Tales of ANOTHER Parody
by Mapo99
Summary: NEW SUMMARY: ANOTHER full-game parody to ToS. Lloyd has the attention span of a noodle, Colette is obsessed with shinies, Kratos is an old miser, Raine is more abusive than usual...you get the idea. :)
1. ADD swordsman and a cosplaying grape

**Aaaaaaaaaaaaannndd... I'm back! *APPLAUSE, WHOOPS AND CHEERS* Why thank you, thank you. (It really hasn't been that long...oh well.) Also, thanks for the views and REviews on my first fanfiction! (Marina Ka-Fai, you rock!)**

**Anyway, this is ANOTHER parody, because I wanted my chance to make fun of the game! YAY! It's pretty much the typical 'follow the original storyline, then poke fun at things along the way.' But this time, it's my jokes. (They're not so good early on, but hopefully they'll get better in time!)-Plus, I might edit later if I'm feeling like it.**

**I am extremely sorry if I use jokes from other parodies by accident, I had no intention of copying anyone.**

**Enjoy!**

**Disclaimer: I totally don't own this awesome video game! If I did, I would be a Japanese man in his forties. XD**

**Chapter One: ADD swordsman and a cosplaying grape**

_Once upon a time, in a galaxy far, far away, there was a giant tree that was the source of mana. Because chi was already taken. A war, however, caused the tree to wither, and a kid was killed. The thick, gooey, red, juicy blood splattered and sprayed all over the ground, his insides...um...let's just skip that part! Grieving, the goddess abandoned everyone and went to heaven. She left the angels with a message: You must wake me, for if I sleep in too long, the movie 2012 will come true! The angels got busy and after much labor pain, they bore the chosen one, who walked to the larger than life tower that reached up into the heavens. And that marked the beginning of the regeneration of the world, and...this parody! Like so many other parodies!_

_Iselia, year: 4,000 years after a kid was slaughtered maliciously_

"Lloyd Irving, wake up!"

"Lloyd!"

THUMP! A chalkboard eraser hit said person's head straight between the eyes and made the worst poof cloud ever. He didn't react at first, but then, slowly but surely, he opened his eyes. "Gah!" he said, smartly.

The person who through the eraser, apparently named ? walked over to Lloyd. "How do you manage to sleep standing?" she asked, sighing.

"Oh, professor Raine!" said Lloyd. "Eh- is class over?"

Yes, Lloyd, Raine (AKA ?) just through an eraser at your giant fat chibi head because class is over. And everyone is still in class. Brilliant observation.

She sighed. "Never mind. GENIS! ANSWER THE QUESTION!" she screamed, walking back to the front of the room.

A kid with sharp-looking hair in the front of the classroom cowered in fear. "Y-yes, Raine This one guy, Mithos or something, did stuff during the war, and solved a bunch of stuff," he said.

Raine nodded fiercely. "CORRECT! SIT DOWN!" Genis flinched and sat timidly.

Raine continued. "Then he made a pact with the goddess, to seal away the Desians."

"...But they're back, right?" yelled Lloyd.

Raine gave him an annoyed look. "We talked about that yesterday! Geez, are you ADD or what?!"

"I-I knew that! I just forgot!" he said.

She narrowed her eyes at him. "There seems to be no solution to your idiocy," she said darkly, her aura turning to that of skulls and deathly gym socks. "You have earned..." She went behind her desk and brought out a white cone. "The DUNCE CAP!" she declared. She dragged Lloyd to a stool and shoved the cap over his gravity-defying hair.

"THERE! NOT SO SMART NOW, ARE YA?" she shouted, banging on his head. He gave her a dirty look and she hit him.

"Oww..." he said.

RAINE OBTAINED THE TITLE 'EDUCATION CAN BE PAINFUL!'

Raine turned back to the class, smiling as her aura turned back butterflies and rainbows, leaving Lloyd rubbing his head and pouting behind her. "Colette, tell us about the regeneration journey," she said.

A girl with blonde hair (you all know what that means!) stood up, grinning lightheartedly. "It's a journey to put bad guys in their place, and then restore mana. And because since chi was taken already, we have to call it mana." she said. She smiled at Lloyd creepily, checking him out, before sitting down and staring at the chalkboard.

"Very good," said Raine, nodding. "I suppose we should expect the chosen herself to know the answer to that one."

Colette grinned and drooled a bit. THIS GIRL is the CHOSEN?

We're doomed.

Suddenly, there was a bright light, and everyone turned their heads to look out the window.

"What was that?" asked Lloyd.

"SHINY!" screamed Colette, clawing at the windows to get to the shiny light.

The light faded and Raine tried to get everybody's attention, but there really wasn't any attention to get, unbeknownst to Raine. "Children? Children!" She sighed, and then took a deep breath and whistled louder than a train. "SIT DOWN!" she shouted, even thought nobody was doing anything. Everyone cringed in fear.

Raine then smacked Lloyd. "First of all, no talking while in the corner!" she said.

Lloyd replied, with an eyebrow raised, "Nobody puts baby in the corner!"

He was promptly smacked. Again.

Raine sighed and turned back to the class. "It seems the time for the oracle has come. I will go and check on the chapel, meaning, I will laugh madly at every historical thing I come across and shout, 'MARVELOUS!' You all stay here and do what all kids hate, studying on their own." She made her way to the door, carrying a rock hammer.

Just then, Colette stood up. "Professor!" she shouted. "I'll go with you!"

Raine just shook her head. "No, Colette. The old man priests will come here for you. Plus, you'll get in the way of my crazy and thorough examination of the temple." She ran off, eyes gleaming, and Colette sat down, sniffling.

Lloyd, taking this opportunity of freedom, jumped up, threw the dunce cap out the window, and ran over to the door, only to be stopped by Genis. "Where do you think you're going?" he said. "My sister said to stay here and study!"

Lloyd raised an eyebrow at him. "Are you afraid of her or something?"

"N-no!"

GENIS OBTAINED THE TITLE OF 'SIS-O-PHOBIA!"

"Besides, it's research!" said Lloyd.

Genis looked angry at him. "You always find an excuse!"

"So?" He shrugged. "Since when do you care?"

Genis growled, much like an annoyed dog. Lloyd turned to Colette. "Want to come?" he asked.

Colette turned her head. "Where to?" she said dumbly.

Genis facepalmed and Lloyd gave her a look of 'Are you kidding me right now?' "Where else?" said Lloyd. "You're DIRECTLY INVOLVED in ALL of this, unfortunately for everyone else in the world!"

"Okay!" she chirped, and skipped over to Lloyd. And together, the three musketeers marched their way out of the schoolhouse, only to run into a man in a pink and green striped bathrobe and nightcap, like Ebenezer Scrooge.

"Hi, Frank," said Lloyd.

"Daddy!" cried Colette. "What are you doing here?"

"Checking on you, of course, because if I don't, you could impale yourself or go chasing after butterflies into the woods! Again!" he said.

Genis raised an eyebrow. "You came out here...in _just_ your_ bathrobe_?"

"It's relaxing!" Frank snapped. "Anyway, please be careful, Chosen One." He went back somewhere, probably to continue...whatever he was doing. I'll leave that to your imaginations.

"...That was...really weird," said Genis, eyebrows raised.

Lloyd nodded. "Yeah, it was. Well, anyway, let's go!" he skipped over to the entrance north of them, hand in hand with Colette. Genis rolled his eyes and shook his head, muttering something about 'ADD Lloyd.' He followed them reluctantly. They reached the gate, when a floating skull appeared, chomping on air.

"Woah, it's a monster!" said Colette.

Genis rolled his eyes, again. "NO, I thought it was the Sugar Plum Fairy handing out candy canes!"

Colette's eyes widened. "Really? WHERE IS SHE?!" she yelled, looking around frantically.

Lloyd sighed and pulled out his sword. "This thing's going DOWN!" he yelled, grinning wildly.

Genis sighed. "Moron..."

LLOYD OBATAINED THE TITLE 'PSYCHOPATHIC MORON!'

But nevertheless, Genis pulled out his kendama, and the battle commenced. And once it did, the skull became a zombie.

Now, how did that happen, you might ask? I do not have an answer. Sorry.

They fought.

They won.

Map needs to be more descriptive.

"Phew, that was tough!" said Lloyd. Yeah, beating zombies up with my wooden sticks really takes its toll on Lloyd.

"Well, maybe you should work out more!" snapped Genis.

Colette stopped looking for the sugar plum fairy and gaped at Lloyd as she imagined what he would look like doing the squats without a shirt on. "OMG..." she breathed.

Just then, another monster appeared, still looking like a skull. "Another one!" yelled Lloyd.

Way to go, Sherlock.

"Let's kill it!" said Lloyd, holding up his swords and grinning like a maniac.

"LLOYD OBTAINED THE TITLE, 'KILLINZ IS FUN!'

"Wait!" shouted Genis. "Remembered what Raine said about elemental monsters against physical ones?"

Lloyd looked confused. "Ummm... no?"

Genis sighed. "What were you doing during that lesson, anyway?"

**A long time ago in a classroom far, far away...**

"...And that is the difference between elemental and physical monsters, class," said Raine.

Lloyd, however, did not notice; for he was busy spitting spit balls out of a plastic straw at little Billy. He had fallen asleep long ago. Suddenly he woke up, and wondered why there were wads of wet straw bits all over his face.

**Back to present-day:**

"Umm..."

Genis sighed. "Whatever. Let's just beat this thing!" he said, suddenly enthusiastic.

"Bi-polar, much?" Lloyd muttered.

GENIS OBTAINED THE TITLE 'BI-POLAR BEAR!'

Another battle started.

Those crazy kids fought.

They won, surprisingly. Then again, it wasn't really that hard.

"Phew! We did it!" cried Colette.

Genis widened his eyes at her and his eyebrows shot up. "WE? Who's 'WE'?!" he cried. "You didn't do anything except chase a sugar plum fairy that doesn't even exist!"

Colette looked crestfallen. "You mean...no candy canes?"

Genis facepalmed.

And they moved on, to the Martel temple. It took them about two minutes, since they have lightning speed.

Once they got to the temple, an old man in a dress came tumbling down the stairway, smelling funny.

"Chosen one...the Desians broke the non-agression treaty...they forced me to drink...too much...vodka...on my birthday..." then he died.

"NOOOOOO! Random stranger that died on your birthday!" she cried. She started weeping over his body and Lloyd stood up and made his way to the stairs.

"I'm going," he said.

What else were you gonna do?

Colette and Genis both came up and followed Lloyd, unaware that the priest's corpse had mysteriously disappeared. Genis noticed, though.

"Hey, where'd the corpse go?" asked Genis, puzzled. Like a jigsaw.

He was ignored. And the question is, what DID happen to the priest's corpse? Did it get eaten by monsters? Did old lady fangirls drag him away into the forest to take pictures of him and show them to their friends?

We may never know...DUN DUN DUUUUN!

They made their way up the many winding stairs built into the ground, something that should have been impossible.

They reached the top of the stairs and saw many desians surrounding an old woman.

"Give me all your lunch money!" said Desian #1.

"Mak meh!" countered the old woman. She must have had an extremely bad case of the stuffy nose. She caught sight of Colette, and said, "Ruh, Clete!"

Wow, thanks for blowing their cover!

The Desians turned to Lloyd and his posse, and one of them said, "Lord Botta! There she is!"

A big guy with spiky brown hair and a mad expression etched into his face turned to see Colette. "Chosen One, your life is mine!"

Lloyd suddenly got very defensive and angry. "HEY! Stop hitting on Colette!"

Genis sighed and just pulled out his kendama. "Lloyd, let's just fight already!" he said.

"Oh, okay."

And they fought, but they didn't fight Botta.

Instead, they got a guy called Vidarr, who donned a hammer and a chain-on-a-ball-thing.

Wow, I really need to be more descriptive!

Anyway, they fought Vidarr for some time, but to no avail. They were knocked to the ground, and Lloyd's swords were somehow two feet deep in the ground. Umm...

"Damn, this guy is really tough!" said Lloyd.

Vidarr took a swing with his wrecking ball, and Lloyd closed his eyes, probably waiting for pain. But the pain never came for lucky Lloyd. He opened his eyes to see a dude cosplaying a grape, holding out his sword, and saving Lloyd's life.

"Get out of the way," was all he said.

But Lloyd, being the stubborn kid we all know and love (well I don't know about ALL), refused to back down and let ? get all the glory. He joined the battle once again, and together they beat Vidarr to a pulp. He fell down on the ground.

Botta looked at ? and his expression didn't change. "...I never thought you'd show up! Damn, retreat for now!" And together, the 'Desians' rode off into the sunset on their sugar plum fairies, to find a good summer retreat. Get it? Retreat? Haha... Meanwhile, both Genis and ? were wondering where the heck did Vidarr's body go?

"Hey, guys? Where's the body?" Genis asked. "Was it animals? Fangirls? A MYSTICAL PREDETERMINED FORCE?"

He was ignored. He pouted and shut up.

Anyway, the old woman, whose name had never been said but we somehow know her name is Phaidra (I think they said it in the game, I forgot [I haven't played this game in, like, two years!]) said to ?, "Taks fur savin teh cosen won!" she said.

? turned his head, not understanding the weird old woman at all. "Ummm...yeah. Anyway, this girl is the next chosen?" he said, pointing at Genis.

"HEY!" yelled Genis.

"OH. So, THIS girl is the next chosen, then." He pointed at Colette.

Colette nodded. "Yup yup. I gotta meet the oracle." She drooled a bit and ? sighed.

"We're all doomed," he said.

Colette walked up to the middle of the platform, headed for the temple entrance. "Grandmother, I'm going to undergo the trial now," she said.

"What trial?" asked Lloyd.

"The monsters, I would assume. An evil presence _radiates _from inside this chapel," said weird grape guy, also known as ?.

"Yah!" said Phaidra. "She gonna get judd."

Lloyd perked up at the thought of Colette getting punished. She never got punished, not once. Like that one time in Pre-k...

**PreK**

"Colette, what is this shape?" 16-year-old-Raine said, pointing to a square.

Colette smiled. "Five!" she yelled.

Raine shook her head. "No, that's not it. Anyone else? What about you, Lloyd?"

Lloyd just looked at her dumbly. "Oval!" he cried.

"INCORRECT, LLOYD IRVING!" She smacked him on the head. Colette giggled and went back to playing with her blocks. From that moment on, she was obsessed with Lloyd.

**Present day, still not much smarter than when in PreK**

Lloyd stepped forwards. "Then I'll take on the job of protecting Colette. And by that, I mean I will gape at everything then get bored within five seconds!" he said.

Phaidra looked horrified for a moment, then looked bored again. "Lloyd? I wood bee uneezy wit jus yoo...'n by taht, I mean NO WAY, HOSAY!"

Grape man was now staring at Lloyd intently, like he was trying to make him disappear. "You name is Lloyd?" he said as nonchalantly as he could.

Lloyd nodded, but raised an eyebrow. "Yeah, but who are YOU to ask for my name?"

Grape man was silent for a moment, still staring at Lloyd's head very intently.

Suddenly, Lloyd dropped to his knees, clutching his head. "AAAAAAUGH! The pain! IT BURNS US! IT BURNS US!" he screamed. He pointed at ? and said, "That guy can see into your SOUL!"

Finally, grape man looked back at Phaidra, causing Lloyd to relax. "My name is Kratos. As long as I get money, I'll fight for the Chosen. But only for the money!" he said, emphasizing the 'only.'

"Yah, pleeze bee ov servis," said Phaidra, a little reluctantly. She gave him a small bag full of money.

"Taht's all my munny," she said. "If yoo cood give sum bak, tat wood be-"

"NO!" shouted Kratos suddenly. "MY MONEY!"

She sighed. "I tought so..."

"Gramma!" shouted Colette, suddenly. "Lemme go now!"

"Gud luk, Tosin!" she said. Colette, Kratos, Lloyd and Genis all headed inside the temple, to face terrible dangers, such as...zombies and spiders! Woo!

**And there you have it! Chapter One! I promise to update soon!... Ok, I can't really promise that, but whatever. I will update! Plus, I hope the jokes get funnier...**

**Please R&R! (Rate and review, not rest and relax like Botta and his cronies) XD **

**See ya! Next time... Sugar maniac and over abusive teacher!**


	2. Rocky the rock man and a Marv Albert wan

**Two chapters in one day! WOO! The reason for that being that today was a snow day, and I had about 8 hours on my hands. :) **

**Enjoy!**

Chapter 2: Rocky the Rock Man and a Marv Albert wannabe!

The fantastic four made their way inside the temple. They reached the center of the main floor, and stopped for no apparent reason.

Lloyd turned to Colette. "You've been in here before, right?"

She nodded. "Yeah, but it seems different, somehow."

Lloyd sighed. It's the same exact temple, you know..."

Suddenly, Kratos turned to Lloyd. "Your sword techniques are self-taught, right?"

"Yeah..." said Lloyd, raising an eyebrow.

"Yeah, that's why he's so awful at it!" laughed Genis.

"Shut up!"

And they pressed on. After going straight ahead and up another stairway, they came to a magical barrier. Evan after much pushing, shoving and grunting like a caveman, Lloyd was still unable to get past.

He tried egain. "UUUUUUUUUNNNNNNGGGHHHHH!" He still couldn't get through it.

"Lloyd, stop. It's no use," said Genis. "You just sound constipated."

"NO!" he yelled. "I WON'T LOSE TO A...WAAAALLL!"

LLOYD OBTAINED THE TITLE 'PERSISTENT CAVEMAN!'

Genis sighed and shrugged. "Well, I tried." He walked away.

Kratos turned to Colette. "The sorcerer's ring is in this temple, correct?"

She nodded. "Yeah..."

Lloyd stopped pushing against the wall. "You couldn't have told me ANY SOONER! WHERE IS THE THING?!"

Colette backed up. "Um...I don't know. I'm sorry..."

Genis facepalmed.

Lloyd just shrugged. "Whatever. Let's go and get it!" he said, pumping a fist into the air enthusiastically.

Genis rolled his eyes. "Now who's bipolar?" he muttered.

And they were off to find the sorcerer's sto-I mean-ring. After much exploring and bewilderments, they went down a staircase, and came to a room with square holes in the floor.

Colette was stunned. "Wow, look at all the holes!" she squealed.

Everybody sighed. "This is going to be a long trip..." said Kratos.

Lloyd turned around and saw something shiny on another platform. "Look! That must be the sorcerer's sto- I mean, ring!"

Colette whirled around and saw the shiny ring. "SHINY!" she squealed. "ME WANT SHINY!" She began clawing at the floor, trying to find a way to get the shiny ring.

Everybody sighed, again. "VERY long..."

Suddenly, a giant rock monster appeared, and ran over to the group, and attacked.

They fought, and won. Then they hoped Mapo would be more descriptive, but they were severely let down.

Then the stone-man turned into a solid block.

"NOOO!" wailed Colette. "It turned into a rock! Poor rock man..."

"Um...I think it was always a rock, Colette," said Lloyd.

She just gave him puppy-dog eyes. She stood up, and then suddenly, she tripped over Lloyd's foot. Or air. Whatever. Upon tripping, she fell into the giant block, and she pushed it into one of the holes. The block fell, landing in a gap in the floor below. It fit perfectly. Coincidence? I think not.

Genis shared my thoughts and marked this as plothole #3.

"OH NO!" cried Colette, standing up and looking down into the hole where the rock-now-block-man fell. "Oops..."

A lightbulb went off in Kratos and Genis's heads.

"I see," said Kratos.

"AAAAAAAAAHHH! It BURNS!" screamed Genis, the lightbulb burning through to his eyes. He doubled over, clutching his head.

Lloyd looked at Kratos, still completely lost. "What?"

Kratos sighed. "In order to reach the sorcerer's ring, we must insert the blocks into the gaps in the floor, and they will create a pathway so we may access the platform," he said, Genis recovering.

Lloyd gave him a blank look. "Wha?"

Genis rolled his eyes. "Here, I got this, Kratos. You spend almost you whole life with this guy and you know how to explain stuff."

He turned back to Lloyd. "We gotta move that thing into that other thing, so we can reach that one thing."

Lloyd grinned. "Oh, okay!" And surprisingly, he knew exactly what Genis meant.

Then again, maybe it's not so surprising.

Just then another rock man appeared, and Colette brightened up. "Rocky! You're okay!" She tried to run over and give Rocky a big bear hug, but Kratos held her back. He, Genis and Lloyd fought Rocky and he turned into a big ol' block. Colette became downright depressed.

This continued, until they had created enough blocks and moved them down the holes, that they could reach the ring.

Immediately, Lloyd grabbed the ring and started playing with it. Kratos snatched it before he hurt someone, and inspected it, to see if it could possibly be worth anything. Instead of riches, he found an inscription on the inside.

"What does it say?" asked Genis.

Kratos squinted at the writing, and said, "It says...one ring to bind them...one ring to bring them all in the darkness bind them..."

Lloyd snatched the ring from Kratos's hands and hugged it, snarling. "MY PRECIOUSSSSS!" he hissed.

LLOYD OBTAINED THE TITLE 'GOLLUM!'

Genis rolled his eyes, for the millionth time that day. Kratos gave him a weird look, and Colette stared at the shiny ring.

Then, they headed out. They went back up to the main floor, Colette tripping the whole way up, and Lloyd had to end up carrying her. He was holding her as far as possible from him, and she was lost in a fantasy of Lloyd and her riding off into the sunset on Noishe. Lloyd was disgusted.

They got back to the strange door, and Lloyd held up the ring. Suddenly, the wall faded away.

Colette was in shock. "WOOOOAAAH..." She gaped like a fish out of water.

"Let's go already! Time is money!" Kratos barked. Everyone stared at him, until he sighed and pushed everyone to a warp pad. They stepped into the warp pad and disappeared.

Moments later, the band of idiots and Kratos were standing in another room, with something like an alter in the middle of it. Colette gaped at all the shinies, and Kratos searched for anything valuable like a bloodhound.

"This must be the top floor," said Kratos, sniffing his way throughout the room.

KRATOS OBTAINED THE TITLE 'MONEYHOUND!'

Suddenly, bright light shone, and Genis clutched his head and screamed again in pain. A person with blonde hair and wearing a green and white dress appeared, looking bored.

"CHOSEN OF REGENERATION, COME ON DOOOWWN!" he cried, in a TV announcer voice. "I AM REMIEL! ARE YOU READY FOR YOUR JOURNEY THAT MAY OR MAY NOT KILL YOU?"

Colette nodded, drooled a bit and said, "Uh huh."

"THAT'S...GREEEAAAAT!" Then, a red ball of light appeared, and inched closer to Colette, very slowly. She stared at it, wishing she could grab the shiny ball. Lloyd started fidgeting.

"Is this thing gonna hurry up or what?" he asked impatiently.

**ONE HOUR LATER...**

The shiny finally reached Colette's neck and it transformed into a strange looking thing and it settled on her neck. She touched it hesitantly, and looked back up at Remiel.

"CONGRATZ!" he shouted. "GO SOUTH AND FACE YOUR DOO-I MEAN, YOUR DESTINY!" He started floating upwards.

"Wait!" said Colette. Remiel stopped and looked at her, obviously bored with her. He just wanted to go home!

"Are you my real daddy?" she asked.

"SEE YOU LATER, CHOSEN OF REGENERATION, MY DAUGHTER!" he said, and floated up some more.

"Daddy!" she said. "So you ARE my real daddy!"

"YES, WE'VE BEEN OVER THIS!" he yelled. "NOW GET OUT!" He then teleported away.

"The chosen and I are going ahead," said Kratos, "so get out of here." He stepped onto the warp pad and teleported away.

Colette turned to Genis and Lloyd. "Thanks for helping," she said. "Please come by my house later," she added, winking at Lloyd. Then she followed Kratos.

"I guess that's that," said Lloyd. "Let's go!" Then he and Genis followed Kratos and Colette through the warp pad, to go to Colette's house, much to Lloyd's dismay.

**And there's chapter 2! Please Review. Next time, stuffy noses and abusive educators!**


	3. Toupees and Trouble

**Wow! Another update! Hopefully this will last...(skeptical looks from readers)**

**Skeptical look from me, too. :|**

**Diclaimer: Tales of Symphonia, the greatest game that ever existed, is not mine, I am sad to say. If it was mine, we would get to see Anna like we saw Alicia; from Lloyd's exsphere. (And Kratos would be there!)**

**Mapo99: Enjoy, readers!**

Chapter 3: Toupees and Trouble

Genis and Lloyd went through the warp pad and out the other end, much like a digestive track, only...cleaner. They made their way to the main room, and they saw something so terrible, so horrible, it made their eyes pop out of their sockets and their stomachs to churn. What they saw was so full of violence, treachery, and malice. They saw...

Raine Sage.

She was staring at something, eyes gleaming, probably burning a hole in the wall with her laser vision. "MARVELOUS!" she said.

Genis and Lloyd came up behind her. Were they trying to be sneaky? Because they were doing a terrible job. A normal person, when being sneaky, would stay silent and alert. But no, this pair of ninjas were too stupid to be 'regular.'

Genis came up behind her and said, "Raine?"

Brilliant tactic, Genis. Really, just mind-blowing.

Raine whirled around and her face lit up with rage and disbelief. Genis and Lloyd backed away cautiously, because an unhappy Raine=the start of World War 3.

"WHAT? What are YOU TWO doing here?!" she screeched. "You should be back at school, studying!" She eyed Genis, advancing on him like an animal on its prey. He backed up. "Raine! I-I'm sorry!"

RAINE OBTAINED THE TITLE 'VICIOUS JUNGLE CAT!'

"GENIS! SPANKING TIME!" she yelled. Then she held Genis in and extremely unorthodox way, and spanked his rear end until it was black and blue. She dropped him on the floor, bleeding and broken, in pain and in pride, and turned to Lloyd.

"Are you ready, Lloyd?" she asked. Then she kicked him in the gut so hard that he flew back into the wall behind him. How on EARTH could you be ready for that?

Raine stopped, allowing Lloyd to wheeze and cough his breath back. Genis stood, rubbing his sore butt when he thought no one was looking. Well, Genis, we noticed. You have officially scarred us for life.

Once things settled down completely, Raine said to them, "Go home. School is canceled for the rest of the day."

Lloyd gaped at her. "You couldn't have canceled it SOONER?!"

She shot him a death glare, causing his hands to shoot up instinctively. Then she left. "C'mon," said Genis to Lloyd. "Let's go to Colette's house." Lloyd grimaced the thought of that.

And they did. Upon leaving the temple, they heard something strange and frightening. "MUAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" someone screamed. Lloyd looked around, and Genis facepalmed. "What was that?" asked Lloyd.

Genis only stared at the ground. "You're better off not knowing," he sighed. Lloyd eyed him suspiciously. "Since when do hide stuff from me?"

Genis began to sweat and he stuttered, "N-never!"

"Whatever," sighed Lloyd.

And so, Genis and Lloyd headed back to Iselia, and noticed that people were aimlessly wandering around the village. They ignored this, and went into shops, talked to the townsfolk, and rudely barged into people's houses. And strangely, the residents didn't seem to mind. Are they really not bothered by two strange kids running around in their houses like crazy people? I would grab a baseball bat and chase them till they left me and all others alone for good.

And FINALLY, they reached Colette's house, full with the tiniest garden ever and a stone well. They went inside.

"...So the protection of the Chosen will be left to a man cosplaying a grape and an abusive educator," said a guy with a really bad haircut. He was sitting at an indoor picnic table with Kratos, Raine, Colette, Frank and Phaidra. Did that guy seriously still live with his mom? And how on earth did Raine get here so fast? Hmm...

"...I have no objections," said Kratos.

They were startled to see Genis and Lloyd come barging in suddenly, Genis looking bored and Lloyd's eyes wild with excitement. "WHAT'D I MISS!" bellowed Lloyd.

"We were deciding who will accompany the Chosen on her suicide-I mean, journey," said the guy with the toupee. "And since I'm the mayor, my opinion must be extremely important! Plus, my toupee said so, so it must be okay!"

"Oh, okay," said Lloyd. Then he remembered the point of him being there. Then he forgot. Oh, Lloyd. Thou art ADD. Then he realized something.

"I wanna come, too!" he yelled, not understanding that that would only decrease his chances.

"No," said Kratos. "You'll only get in the way. Plus, I will have to spend money on you. That does not sound fun. It sounds expensive," he said.

Lloyd sighed and was about to argue, but Genis grabbed him by the little ponytails on the back of his head and dragged him outside, before Raine got involved in the situation.

"By the way, your toupee sucks!" he yelled to the mayor on the way out.

Once outside, Genis stopped. Then the door opened and Colette herself came out, and tripped over nothing. AGAIN!

COLETTE OBTAINED THE TITLE 'KLUTZY BLONDE!'

"I'm sorry about that," said Colette, sad.

"No, don't worry about it," said Lloyd. "You trip all the time."

Genis looked at him, like 'WTH?' "Not that, you idiot, she meant what happened inside!"

"Oh. Yeah, don't worry about that either, Colette," said Lloyd.

Genis perked up. "Oh yeah! Happy birthday, Colette! Even though this one may or may not lead you to your doom!"

Lloyd gave him a weird look. Genis ignored him and handed Colette something invisible.

"Here, I made you some invisible cookies!" said Genis. Colette stared at them, her eyes bulging out of their sockets. Yeah, I hear those things are all the rage down in Sylvarant.

"SUGAR!" she screamed. Lloyd and Genis jumped back in horror as Colette ate the sugary, invisible cookies viciously. She finished, two seconds later. "Mmm.." she said. "Yummy..."

Genis and Lloyd gulped and stood normally again. Genis then turned to Lloyd. "What did you get her?"

Lloyd jerked violently, his eyes growing bigger than Colette's were. For a second, even Genis thought his eyes would fall out. "Uh...it's at home! Yeah, um...come by my house later, and I'll give it to you!"

Genis and Lloyd turned and walked from Colette's house and headed towards the southern gate, leaving Colette to decipher what 'come to my house later' meant. Then she grinned wider than the horizon when she thought she figured it out...anyway!

"You forgot, didn't you?" said Genis.

"N-no! I just...have to finish it!"

"Whatever," he sighed. "But can I go part of the way with you? I want to visit a friend." Lloyd gave him a look. "I didn't know you had other friends besides me," he said.

"Of course I do! She just doesn't live here!" he said angrily.

Lloyd perked up at the word 'she.' He grinned. "Is she your girlfriend, Genis?"

Genis blushed and looked angry. "No! She's just my friend!"

"Whatever you say..."

And so, they reached the entrance of Iselia, and the guards noticed them. They were trying to fend off a giant bunny-horse-dog.

"Lloyd!" said guard #1.

"Huh? Noishe!" he said. He and Genis ran over to Noishe, the bunny-horse-dog, (let's call him a bod). Noishe, the bod, upon seeing Lloyd, decided to take a leak right there on guard #2.

"AA!" he screamed, and jumped away. The bod bared his teeth and started breathing weird. I think it was supposed to be a laugh, but the guards thought he had a brain disorder. He probably did, from spending all his time with Lloyd.

"Noishe! Bad bod!" Lloyd yelled, and Noishe lowered his head in shame, But his teeth were still showing in a grin.

The guard that Noishe leaked on looked downright mad. "Get him OUT OF HERE!" he yelled through gritted teeth. Lloyd stood there for a moment, confused, but got the idea when guard lowered his spear at him.

Lloyd the human, Genis the ha-I mean, elf, and Noishe the bod ran out of there before Noishe had some people food for dinner. "And don't go near the ranch!" the first guard shouted after them.

"I won't!" shouted Lloyd. "You can count on us! Especially Genis here! He's so honest! He tells the truth about everything. There's NOTHING I don't know about Genis!" he yelled.

Genis began to sweat a little.

And so, the troublesome trio made their way through the Iselia forest, to find Lloyd's house. I'll bet he lives in a cave, then the title 'Persistent caveman' would make sense! Hehe...

Partway through the forest, there was another path that forked off the original one, like a disfigured tree, and Genis stopped. "Well, here we are. This is my stop. Have a good life," he said. Then he turned and started walking up the path.

Lloyd grabbed his arm quickly before he took another step. "What?! You KNOW we can't go to the human ranch!"

"_But it's research," _he mocked. Lloyd narrowed his eyes and frowned. "Besides," said Genis, "why do you care?"

Lloyd blinked. "I don't, really," he realized. So they headed up the slope toward the ranch, and started toward the back fence.

"So," said Lloyd, coming up to Genis and nudging him, "who's this girl I've heard about? I can't believe you ACTUALLY got a girlfriend! What does she taste like?!"

Genis glared at him, obviously fed up with his assumption that a girl and a guy can't be friends without making out all the time. "I don't know, and I never will, because we're JUST FRIENDS!" he screamed. That caught the attention of an old woman that just happened to be standing by the fence, in rags. She had grey hair. She was, to put it simply, old.

Genis ran up to the old woman, smiling, and Lloyd followed. "Marble!" said Genis.

"Hello, Genis. Who is this?" she asked, referring to the chibi-head man standing beside him.

"Gimme your name and I'll give you mine!" he shouted, catching the attention of some birds, who flew into a tree and died.

"Ah, you must be Lloyd," she said.

Lloyd's eyes widened. "You know me? AM I FAMOUS?!" he yelled. Genis and Marbled both sighed and rolled their eyes. Now we know where Genis gets his sarcasm from.

"No, Genis mentioned you," explained Marble.

At that, Lloyd got a bit teary and turned to Genis. "Really?" he sniffed.

"Yeah, I said-OOMPH!" he was crushed by a big bear hug from Lloyd. "Hurk...Lloyd..."

Lloyd let him go. "I can't believe you would-"

"Yes, he said you were an idiot," interjected Marble.

Lloyd narrowed his eyes, and Genis quickly changed the subject. "So, um, anyways...here you go, Marble!" he handed her something.

She looked at it in amazement. "A spork?" she said. "Thanks, Genis!" She reached through the bars and Genis went up to them, both of them sharing a very awkward hug.

Lloyd was looking at them strangely. "That's a strange couple." Suddenly, he gasped. "Genis!" he yelled. "Is THIS your GIRLFRIEND?!"

Genis pulled away from Marble and she took her hands back to her sides. "No, you idiot!" he yelled, blushing. "Why can't I just be friends with her?!" he wailed at the sky.

Lloyd barely heard him, and was staring at both Marble and Genis in shock. "I mean...she's just...OLD!"

Marble crossed her arms. "What was that, again?"

"You heard me!" he said. "Whaddaya gonna do? Stab me with your spork?" he laughed.

She looked down at it. "I would, but...I could use this to tunnel out of here..."

Suddenly, Lloyd gasped. "OMG! You have an exsphere!" he said, pointing at a gem on Marble's hand. "Those thingies are bad without a key crest!" he yelled, nodding. "I could ask my dad to make one for you, but you called me an idiot..."

"I'm sorry," she said quickly. "Now make the key thing!"

Lloyd still seemed sure. "Hm, I don't know..."

Genis gave him his best 'feel sorry for my friend' look. Lloyd sighed, as he just couldn't say no to that face!

"Okay, I'll do it!" he said, then added, "I mean, just look at this face!" He pinched one of Genis's cheeks. FACE cheeks. (Just thought I'd clear that up.)

Genis smirked. "That's why I like you, Lloyd. It's easy to bend you to my will." He smiled darkly and shadows passed across his face.

GENIS OBTAINED THE TITLE 'SINISTER MANIPULATOR!'

Marble nodded. "Thank you."

Suddenly, they heard someone yell, a Desian guard. "Hey, old hag!" he yelled. "What do you think you're doing?"

Genis and Lloyd dashed to behind a bush and Marble whirled around, hiding her spork. "Well, I am DEFINITELY not trying to dig out with this tiny object! I mean, this isn't The Shawshank Redemption, you know!"

The guards looked confused, then regained their composure as one of them started for their whip. "Looks like someone's got an attitude problem, eh? Let's take her to the back, eh? EH?" he said.

Genis whistled softly. "Where'd they get THAT guy? The upper peninsula?"

Lloyd gasped. "Their taking her to the back!" he exclaimed, as guards grabbed her and started walking. Well, DUH!

Suddenly, Lloyd Irving ACTUALLY had an idea! He whispered it to Genis, who raised his eyebrows and actually nodded.

"Yeah, that could actually work," he said. It sounded a bit reluctant, because since when does Genis like losing to Lloyd?

So, according to Lloyd's plan, they would find a high area where they could see Marble, then Genis would cast a fireball on it. Then, when the guards came out, Genis would sneak back down the slope whilst Lloyd beat up some weirdos.

Step one: find a high area. They saw a little mountain right next to the ranch, and decided to use that. Once they reached the base of it, they stopped and Genis handed Lloyd something.

"What's this...oh, invisible...cookies. Um...you shouldn't have..." said Lloyd, as he stared at them.

Genis sighed. "They're supposed to heal you," he said. Then, right after he said that, he wondered how invisible cookies could do anything. Then, would they be able to heal internal wounds and/or poison? Genis pulled out a piece of paper and marked this as Plothole #4.

Lloyd ate the invisible cookies and together they jumped up the slope. It must have been especially hard for Genis, since he has very short and stubby legs. Like a tree stump.

Once they reached the top of the side of the mountain, they were able to see Marble, who was getting whipped like there was no tomorrow. Genis, in a vain attempt to stop the whipping, shot a very wimpy fireball at the Desians who were beating her, since that was the only tech he knew. Surprisingly, even though Genis's aim is terrible, the fireball hit the Desians. They screamed like little girls and ran inside to get a Band-Aid. Some other guards saw the attacker and opened the gate.

Lloyd jumped down, while two Desians came out, and he hid while Genis snuck away stealthily. And by that, I mean he creeped along the side of a bush like he had to go to the bathroom. I think he actually did. Then, as graceful as Genis is, he tripped and said, "Oww..."

The Desians saw him and tried to attack, but Lloyd turned to his so called 'friend' and beat the snot out of the Desians. Then Lloyd jumped down from the cliff into the forest to meet Genis and Noishe.

Genis, upon seeing Lloyd, ran up to him and said, "I'm sorry! They saw your face! No one should share my misery!"

Lloyd looked at him weird but said, "Don't worry. I took out the ones that saw my face."

Genis looked down. "Darn it...I mean, that's great!" he yelled, feigning enthusiasm.

**Meanwhile, at the ranch...**

A man with blue hair and a metal arm was standing at the top of the cliff, staring at the spot that Lloyd jumped down from. He had an eyepatch. He looked like either a pirate or a Terminator.

"Check the security cameras," he said to his soldiers. They ran off. Then he turned back to the spot where Lloyd jumped. "How did a mere human survive that kind of jump?" he said, cryptically. If I could give NPCs titles, this one would be "CRYPTIC PIRATE."

And so, that being said, Lloyd and Genis and Noishe scrambled back home, like eggs.

**And there's the third chapter! Hopefully, I will update soon! Until then...Review! (Pretty please!) :)**


	4. The Truth and a TerminatorPirate

Chapter 4

The Truth and the Terminator/Pirate

**Hola. Aloha. Ciáo. In other words, hello!**

**I don't have much to say except...here is chapter 4. Enjoy!**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Tales of Symphonia. If I did, then people would fall in love! 3**

**Anyway!**

As Lloyd and Genis ran back home, Lloyd walked up to his house and Noishe ran ahead of him, flapping his ears as if he was trying to take flight. Lloyd followed him, and opened the door to his house.

Upon going inside, he ran into a midget making stuff with hammers. He turned to see Lloyd coming in. "Hello, Lloyd!" he said. The text box said 'Dirk.' His name must be Dirk...

"Hi, dad!" said Lloyd. "Can you make me a key crest?"

Real subtle.

Not.

The midget blacksmith gave him a strange look. "Why do ya need a key crest all of a sudden?"

"I met someone who has an exsphere without a key crest," he said, a little too quickly.

"Who?"

"Umm...a traveler! Yeah, a traveling mercenary," said Lloyd, sweating a bit.

The midget, Dirk, rolled his eyes. "Baloney!"

Lloyd blinked. "No, Grape."

Dirk rolled his eyes, again. Maybe Genis got his sarcasm from this guy, too! "I meant that's ridiculous. If he had an exsphere, it should already have a key crest."

Lloyd began sweating. "Umm..."

Dirk stood up tall, or as tall as you can when you're a midget and you're shorter than your own son. Or adopted son...never mind.

"DWARVEN VOW NUMBER 11!" he screamed, eyes wild. "Lying is the first step to the path of thievery!"

Lloyd sighed and gave up. "Fine. Me and Genis went to the freak show and saw this old leathery hag, who is apparently Genis's girlfriend, and she didn't have a key crest on her exsphere."

Dirk's eyebrows, so huge you would think they were squirrels at first glance, shot up, showing his little beady eyes, like the guy's dad on Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs. Anyway!

"I...I can't believe it...'' he said, bewildered.

Lloyd scratched the back of his neck AGAIN and looked down. "I'm really-"

"_GENIS_ has a _GIRLFRIEND?!"_

Lloyd was taken aback at this outburst. But, his dad _was_ taking this better than he thought.

"_WHY_ DIDN"T YOU TELL ME GENIS HAD A GIRLFRIEND?!" Dirk yelled, and hit Lloyd.

"Ugh...you don't have to hit me!" sobbed Lloyd, and ran out crying like a toddler.

Upon his departure, Lloyd ran into some people; Raine the Abusive, Colette the Stupid, Kratos the Cryptic Grape Man, and Genis the Bratty who _somehow_ has a girlfriend.

"You all heard that, didn't you?" asked Lloyd, rubbing the back of his neck.

Genis looked down. "I'm sorry, Lloyd. Because of me, you-"

Lloyd looked very angry at him. "Yeah, it was your fault, wasn't it? You dragged me into that...that _freak show_ just to meet your girlfriend!"

Genis blushed and said fiercely, "She is NOT my girlfriend! I only see her, like, once a week!"

Colette suddenly grinned and stepped up next to Lloyd, slipping her arm in his. "Lloyd, let's go up to the terrace," she said.

Lloyd gave a weird look, and backed away, struggling a bit from her death grip on his arm. "Umm...in a minute."

He left Colette at a bench and said if she stayed she would get something sugary, which she nodded eagerly at.

Lloyd decided to visit Genis, who had nothing interesting to say, and then Raine, who was placid and abusive as ever. Eventually, he made his way to the back of the house, where he met a certain grape, standing over a grave, looking grave and chanting 'grave grave grave grave' over and over again. See what I did there? Hehe...

"Whose grave is this?" Kratos asked. Could you be anymore obvious?

Lloyd looked down. "My mom's. She died a long time ago."

Kratos only nodded. "I see. Is your father alive?"

Lloyd shrugged. "Who knows, but Dirk, the emo midget who raised me and spurts Dwarven vow worse than a river during a flood, is my dad.''

"I see. It was a carless question, forgive me." Then he walked off cryptically.

Lloyd shrugged. I guess it's time to see Colette..." Colette, having the hearing of an eagle, perked up at her name. "Let's go!" she said, strangely eager, and dragged Lloyd, reluctant and cringing from her touch, through his room and to the terrace.

They got to the terrace, and Lloyd scratched the back of his neck, AGAIN. Does he have lice or something?

LLOYD OBTAINED THE TITLE 'SERIOUSLY, GET SOME OINTMENT!'

"I'm sorry I wasn't able to finish your birthday present on time," said Lloyd, who really wan't sorry.

Colette grinned. "It's okay. Really! You can give me something else, though..." she grinned even wider than she already was, which should not be humanly possible, but she somehow did.

COLETTE OBTAINED THE TITLE 'INHUMAN SLUT!'

Lloyd was not cheered up. "But this birthday was supposed to be special, you know? Especially cause I was gonna make you something shiny..."

Colette's eyes widened and she gaped at him, struggling to breathe. "What? SHINY?! GIMME SHINY!" she shouted loudly, catching the attention of some squirrels, who were consequently devoured by some big grasshoppers.

Lloyd sighed. "Well, happy birthday anyway, Colette."

She smiled. "Hehe! Thanks! I'm glad I was able to live to this day."

Lloyd stared at her. "Whoa, when did you suddenly get even dumber?"

Colette ignored him, and for some random reason I will never understand, the camera zoomed in on the moon, and Colette said, "So Lord Remiel really is my true father..."

Lloyd crossed his arms and huffed, like a heat vent or the Big Bad Wolf. "So what? You just have two fathers. Just think of yourself as being lucky for having more than others do."

Wow. A real heartfelt speech.

"You're right!" said Colette, because she always agrees with Lloyd.

"World regeneration, huh...it's kind of exciting!" said Lloyd. "That is, until I get bored."

"Yeah," said Colette, "releasing the seals, becoming an angel like daddy, then, finally..."

"Finally?"

"N-nothing!"

COLETTE OBTAINED THE TITLE 'SINCE WHEN ARE YOU SECRETIVE?'

Lloyd turned to Colette. "Just so you know, I'll be stalking you from this point out. Got it?"

Colette looked dazed. "I have a stalker?" she said, grinning. She pumped a fist into the air. "YES! I am WANTED!"

Lloyd took a few steps back.

Suddenly Colette gasped. "If we go to the seal of fire, I get to see daddy! I can't wait!"

Lloyd ignored her. "Yeah..."

COLETTE OBTAINED THE TITLE 'DADDY'S LITTLE GIRL!'

Suddenly, Raine and Genis came up to the terrace. Genis was shaking and rubbing his arm and Raine was panting like a tired dog. I bet you can guess what happened...

**(A/N: JUST SO YOU KNOW, RAINE JUST HIT HIM. IN CASE YOU WERE WONDERING.) :)**

"Colette, let's go," said Raine, shooting a death glare at Lloyd.

"Okay." Then Colette pranced out of there and to the bottom of the house, where she and Genis waved to Lloyd, Kratos looked at him a bit strangely, and Raine shot him a warning glare that sent shivers up his spine. Then they walked away.

Lloyd went back to his room. "Now, let's start this bracelet!" It's about time!

The next morning, Lloyd had finished the bracelet and was getting up bright and early, which was noon. He grabbed the bracelet and some supplies, stuffing them into a pack that was larger than Vidarr.

"Alright, let's go! I'm coming for you, Colette!"

Afterwards, he thought about what he said and he cringed. "Ewwww..." But nevertheless, he set out.

On the way from leaving his house, he stopped at his mom's grave, and a certain emo/blacksmith/midget was there, talking to the headstone like a crazy person.

"...And then, she was like, "What?" And I was like, "What?" and then we were like-"

"Umm...dad?" said Lloyd.

Dirk whirled around and his face became enraged. "LLOYD! I STILL HAVEN'T FORGIVEN YOU!" He tried to hit Lloyd, but missed. That enraged Dirk further, causing him to chase Lloyd through the entire forest, which took a _long, long_ time. Pretty much all morning.

They eventually made it back to the grave, panting and grumbling at each other's reluctance to give up. Then Dirk suddenly stood tall and puffed his chest out.

"DWARVEN VOW NUMBER 496!" he screamed. "Always chase your son through a forest."

Lloyd raised an eyebrow. "There's a vow for that...?"

"YES!" he screamed. Then he sighed. "Goodbye, Lloyd." Then he handed him some supplies that couldn't keep a squirrel alive on a sunny day.

"Gee, thanks."

Dirk beamed, not understanding what sarcasm is. "DWARVEN VOW NUMBER 2!" he screamed. "Never Abandon someone in need!"

Lloyd started getting all emotional. "Thanks, dad..."

Just then, Genis ran up to them, panting like a sweaty dog. Then again, they don't have sweat glands...whatever! Moving on!

"Lloyd!" he wheezed, "what the hell happened to you? Aren't you gonna see Colette off?!"

Lloyd grinned. "Yeah, I'm going with her!"

Genis looked at him like he was stupid, and he had every right to do so. "You idiot! Colette and the others left a long time ago!"

Lloyd's eyes widened. "WHAT?! But she said..."

Dirk looked at Lloyd, eyes wild with excitement, again. "DWARVEN VOW NUMBER 378! Always look before you leap. And then once you've looked, forget whatever you thought you saw and go for it anyway!"

"Thanks, dad..."

And so, Genis and Lloyd raced to village, literally, and Genis won, even though he has extremely short and stumpy legs. However, Lloyd does not work out. That will contribute to a poor running record.

They reached Iselia, and they were stopped by the guard. "Hey. Phaidra was looking for you."

Genis raised an eyebrow. "That old woman with a sinus infection? What does she want?!"

The guard shrugged. "She didn't say.''

"But-"

''JUST GO!" guard #2 yelled. He was obviously still not over Noishe 'going' on him. As Lloyd and Genis passed through into the village, he shot Lloyd a death glare, which he did not notice.

They made their way to Colette's house and just barged right in. How rude. Phaidra was there, along with Frank. "Oh, Lloyd," said Frank.

Genis stamped his foot, clearly annoyed. "Hey! What about me?" he whined.

Frank took a glance at him, at must have not liked what he saw because he made a face and turned his attention back to Lloyd. He reached down and grabbed something off their picnic table, supposedly meant for three people.

Frank gave the something, a letter, to Lloyd. "She asked me to give you this," he explained. Lloyd read the letter.

_Dear Lloyd,_

_I'm sorry, but you can't come. There will be many dangers on this journey, and I would seriously DIE if you were to die. _

_Also, there will be many sugary things and shinies on the journey. Shinies for ME. So many that I can't share, because they're MINE! _

_Please understand, you can't have my shinies. Plus, thank you for being delicious eye candy all these years. YOU (and your body) are what made me live my life to the fullest. _

_Your BFF forever and ever (and ever), _

_Colette ;)_

Lloyd was very confused. "What is this?" he asked.

Frank only blinked. "Well, it's, um...a letter."

Genis raised an eyebrow. "Geez, Lloyd, I knew you were dumb, but I didn't think it was _this _bad!"

Lloyd did what he does best, ignored them. "This almost sounds like a will," he said, indicating the letter.

Frank grimaced. "You could call it that. You see, the Chosen is already-"

_BOOOOOM!_

_"AAAUUUUGGH!"_

_"Hahahahahahaha!"_

_"NOOOOO! MY CABBAGES!"_

Lloyd, Frank, Genis and Phaidra all jumped, and Lloyd ran out of there, remembering his father's words. Genis followed suit, and they saw a house down the road getting burnt to a crisp by some weird people in helmets.

"Oh no!" yelled Lloyd. Genis's face was grave.

"Desians," he breathed.

GENIS OBTAINED THE TITLE 'IS IT A BIRD? IS IT A PLANE? NO, IT'S CAPTAIN OBVIOUS!'

"We gotta help them!" said Lloyd. They started down the stairs when Lloyd noticed that the well in Colette's yard was gone, and had been replaced by a strange glowing circle.

Lloyd kept running while Genis saved their game (heh.) and then they kicked some Desian booty.

"Hah! Take that, creature!" shouted Lloyd, quoting a certain green spandex-wearing superhero.

Then they rushed to the village square. **  
**

They arrived at the plaza, and they were greeted by a certain Pirate Terminator.

"Listen up, you inferior beings," he said. "I am Forcystus. I rule the freak show where we cultivate you pathetic humans."

"COME FORTH, LLOYD IRVING!" he yelled. Lloyd didn't notice; he was shooting spitballs at the same Little Billy as before, until Genis grabbed him by the hair, sighing, and shoved him up front.

Forcystus pointed at Lloyd dramatically. "You were caught having an affair with that kid's girlfriend!" he said, indicating Genis. "For your crime, we have prepared an appropriate opponent for you."

Just then, a green plant monster with a red ball on its head, claws, and wearing a dress came out, dragging its arms on the ground. It swung, and gave the mayor a well-deserved slap. His toupee fell off and he wailed at the sky.

"How many times have we told you to stay away from the ranch?!" he cried, putting his toupee back on.

"Umm...actually, just once..." said Lloyd, pointing at guard #1.

"JUST FIGHT!" yelled Forcystus, and the battle commenced, between Genis/Lloyd and the plant monster.

They fought. They won. I need to be descriptive, but I am not good at writing fight scenes. I'm just in this for the jokes.

They won, and the monster was stalled for a while. "Impossible," breathed, "to think that that exsphere is actually evolving..."

Lloyd looked confused. "What's so special about my exsphere?"

Forcystus sighed. "You really are stupid...that exsphere must be the one from the Angelus Project we've been searching for!" he exclaimed. He and some soldiers advanced on Lloyd. "Gimme my pretty stone!"

Genis rolled his eyes. "You're as weird as Colette..."

Just then, the plant monster threw its arms around Forcystus like it was trying to get a hug.

"See, look!" said Lloyd, pointing at them. "It's a friendly monster! It just needs a hug..."

Then, the monster _spoke. "Genis...get away...hurry!" _it rasped.

Genis took a step back. "What was that voice? It sounded like...Marble...?"

Lloyd gasped. "She was a monster in disguise?!" he cried.

Genis sighed and rolled his eyes.

The monster spoke again. "_Genis, you were like...a grandson to me. Lloyd, you were, um...an..._interesting_ person. Mostly, you were as stupid as Barney the Dinosaur. Thank you...goodbye..."_

Then the monster exploded, somehow not charring anything but the mayor's toupee.

"No!" he wailed. "My hair!" Lloyd fell to the ground laughing while Genis picked up the glowing ball of something.

Genis fell to the ground, and raised his hands up to the sky. "NOOOOOOOOOOO!" he wailed, and he caught the attention of some deer that were frolicking by, and they stopped to stare at him. They were consequently eaten by some snakes with seven heads each.

Genis recomposed himself, and stood up. The now bald mayor went over to him, shaking in rage, and mumbled a bunch of incoherent stuff.

"Rrrmmr...krrnshenrrrr...rrrarhrrr!" he shouted, making everyone stare at him in confusion. He pointed at the village, and everyone turned to see that the village was torn to shreds, burned in various places, and snakes were busy roaming the plain like watch dogs.

The mayor pointed at the entrance. "Get out!" he said, and turned on his heels and left, grumbling about getting the snakes out. He grabbed a hammer and chased the snakes, while Lloyd and Genis left the village, with Frank's and Phaidra's blessing.

"Tak car!" she shouted after them.

"Good luck!" said Frank.

"Fid Clete!"

"Good luck!"

"Plud, don' ead the cabbage!"

"Good luck!"

And so, our whiny and hyper friends were off on an adventure. An adventure that when looked at, should be forgotten and tossed aside! And chased through a forest! And abandoned when in need! And lied to! And...

**Dirk-** "Shut up!"

**And there is chapter 4. Kudos to all those who caught the video game/tv show references. ;)**

**That is all. Until next time...**

**_Keep calm and...review!_**


	5. Con artists, creepers, and blueberries,

**3/14/13:**

**Happy pi day! XD**

**Pi day fun facts: **

**Albert Einstein's birthday (makes sense) :)**

**Billy Crystal's birthday (I think...)**

**Lots of other people's birthdays**

**National day of PIE! Or pi...whatever. **

**I am not a fan of pie. In fact I have never gone near a pie, let alone touched one.**

**People will gape in shock of my last fact.**

**I don't care; I will never try pie. ESPECIALLY not pumpkin. I don't even like the seeds.**

**My math class today was full of pis and pies. (Pi videos, pie competitions, pi pencils, and oatmeal cream pies.) Yum! [:P**

**You will enjoy this fanfiction, or I will throw a pie at you. One made by Raine.**

**You will not be victim to Raine's pies, because you will run. And then review. :)**

**Disclaimer: I don't own this. Waaaaaah! DX**

**Here we go...**

**Chapter 5 **

**Con Artists, Creepers, and Blueberries, Oh My!**

A little ways down the path, Noishe ran up to Lloyd and Genis, with something in his mouth.

"Geez, Noishe! What do you want?" said Lloyd, annoyed. Haha, that rhymes.

Lloyd took the bag, ripped it open, and found a slip of paper with some strange symbols on it. Or at least they looked like strange symbols; Lloyd is not the best reader, you see. The symbols to us would be known to us as English. Anyway, he read the letter. It said:

_Dear Lloyd, _

_DID YOU READ THE TRAVELER'S GUIDE?! Well, you better, because it has all 20,000,000,000,000 __**(trillion)**__ Dwarven Vows listed, one by one! They are necessary for your journey!_

_Make use of this stuff. Because, as Dwarven Vow number 15,983 says, 'Make use of stuff. If it's not useful, then toss it in a ditch and run away, very, VERY fast, before you get a ticket for littering.' But of course, the vows are VERY useful! So don't throw them in a ditch!_

_Oh, and protect Colette. Because I don't this Raine and the grape guy will be able to handle her stupidity for very long._

_I can't believe that it's been 14 years since I found you and started raising you. Worst mistake of my-I mean, I remember you were always crying. So was I._

_And now, you've grown into a-well, you've grown. Mostly sideways, but whatever._

_Thanks for calling me, a non-human, your father. Someday, when you don't run away at the sight of a spider, I'll have a Christmas present for you. Wait...what's Christmas? Oh, never mind. Look forward to that, because I seriously doubt I'll ever spend time and money on you again. Thank Go-I mean, Martel._

_Here's how to use EX gems:_

_1. Equip the exsphere._

_2. Choose your skills, like a multiple choice quiz._

_3. If you pick the right ones, you will get an EX combos._

_4. Ta-da! Magical wizards made it happen!_

_That is all. Oh, and Dwarven Vow number 13,099: 'Eat.'_

_And Dwarven vow number 12,376: 'Only you can prevent forest fires.'_

"Dad..." said Lloyd. He started getting all emotional and shed a few tears.

"Pansy..."

LLOYD EARNED THE TITLE 'PANSY!'

And they were off once again. After facing the horrors of the desert, such as scorpions, snakes, and bandits, (OH MY!) they were able to see the town of Triet. How they knew the name of the place, I do not know.

Genis skipped along, (not literally,) happily, being cool and comfy in his breezy outfit, while Lloyd was sweating like a pig, or a melting ice cube.

"Gah...why...so...hot..." he sort of said, the heat getting to his brain.

Genis smirked. "Efreet should be around here somewhere. He's the summon spirit of fire!" he chirped, happy to be spewing history facts in Lloyd's face.

Suddenly, Lloyd perked up. "Could that be..."

Genis nodded. "That's where Colette will be!" he chirped, strangely enthusiastic to be seeing Colette.

Eventually, they made it to Triet, which was stocked with shops, an inn, a fortune teller's tent, and aimlessly wandering people.

Lloyd took a look around and was very disappointed. "This is it?" he whined. Then he and Genis noticed recognizable people, and bolted, like lightning, from the Desians up ahead. They appeared to be talking.

"These are your orders, people! A human named Lloyd is on the run with a shiny gem that Lord Forcystus REALLY wants. His identification code is: GRRR1746. Form a search party!" said one Desian.

"What does this Lloyd look like?" asked another.

"Eh, just look at the poster, eh!" another one snapped.

Lloyd instantly recognized him. "Hey, it's that guy from before!" he exclaimed. "He traveled all this way, just for me! I'm touched!" He sniffed. "See, Genis, he's a friendly Desian! I'll bet he just needs a hug..."

LLOYD OBTAINED THE TITLE, 'I'M A HUGGER!'

"Shut up!" hissed Genis.

The Desians parted, leaving one who went over to the bulletin board and put up a poster of...someone. I'm not really sure who, but he looked like an anorexic Lloyd with a butt chin.

Genis and Lloyd went up to look at the poster and Lloyd recoiled. Genis nodded, raising an eyebrow.

"HEY! That doesn't look like me at all!" shouted Lloyd, who caught the attention of some kids. They ran up to him and jumped on him, trying to find candy.

Genis was still looking at the poster, nodding. "Yeah, they're spot on! Well, maybe except the eyes...you're not Asian...the best part is the big head! That's perfect!" he exclaimed, laughing.

Finally, Lloyd threw a piece of candy, which the kids lunged after, biting, scratching, kicking and spitting trying to get it.

Lloyd stood, brushing child germs off of him. "Let's go to the fortune teller!" he said suddenly.

And so they went to the FT's tent. They lifted the flap and stepped inside, to see the weirdest place ever. In the middle of the room was a table holding a crystal ball, with a woman wearing a turban and lots and lots of jewelry hovering over it, eyes closed.

But the weirdest part about this place was that the walls were covered with endless pictures, all containing...cats. Persian cats, tabby cats, even the Katz. So many katz and cats.

Genuinely freaked out by this, Lloyd tried to run out of the tent, but Genis grabbed his collar and yanked him back. Together, they approached the FT.

"Umm...hello?" said Genis, watching the old woman hesitantly.

"WELCOME, CHILDREN," she said, very loudly."YOU HAVE QUESTIONS. ASK."

Lloyd and Genis exchanged a look, before Lloyd piped up. "Yeah, I wanna know where Colette is right now."

The woman nodded. "GOOD. VERY GOOD. THAT WILL BE 100 GALD."

Genis and Lloyd gaped at her like fish out of water. "WHAT?!" said Lloyd. "But that's soooooooo expensive!" he complained.

"Not everything's cheap, kid!" the woman snapped, before catching her slip up and switched back to her mystical, loud voice. "KNOWLEDGE COMES WITH A PRICE."

"Fine," grumbled Genis, and slammed the bag of money down on the table. The woman snatched it and began whispering to it and rubbing it on her face. Eww...

She put down the bag and moved her hands over the crystal ball, looking into it. "YES...I CAN SEE HER!" she exclaimed. "THE CHOSEN IS GOING TO THE PLACE THAT EXPLODED WHEN EFREET WENT OUT OF CONTROL," she said.

"Are you sure?" said Genis, doubtful.

"YES. A PURPLE, SEXY MAN SAID SO. NOW GET OUT!" she shouted. They ran out, feeling bummed that they got conned out of 100 gald.

They made their way back to the area with all the shops. When Lloyd saw a strange fat man holding a hammer eyeing him. Lloyd was starting to get creeped out, when the fat man spoke.

"Hey, kid, can I have a minute of your time?" he grunted. He sounded very constipated.

"Umm...sure?" said Lloyd.

"Great! If you have a beast hide, bring it to the back, and I'll make it worth your while!

Then, the fat man winked.

Lloyd ran.

He ran into Genis, and together they bought some supplies, and set out for the exit of the town. Once they got there, however, something unexpected happened.

"Hey, you! Wait!"

A bunch of Desian soldiers spotted them and ran up, bending over, twirling their whips around.

Lloyd grinned. "Does someone need a hug?" he asked the Desian.

LLOYD OBTAINED THE TITLE, 'BUDDY THE ELF!'

He ignored him and they continued.

"Doesn't he look like the guy in the wanted poster?"

"Let's see..." said another, turning around like he was on a spinner, not moving his feet at all. "Yep, that's him, alright."

One of them pulled out a scroll and began to read it. It said:

"HERE YE, HERE YE!

YOU, LLOYD IRVING, ARE COMING WITH US! BECAUSE WE WERE TOLD TO CAPTURE YOU! AND IF WE DISOBEY, WE WILL BE KILLED! OR WORSE, EXPELLED!" (heh.)

He put the scroll away and turned back to the kids.

"Get him!"

Lloyd and Genis pulled out their weapons, and the battle commenced. Lloyd and Genis won by a long shot. Then, when they thought they had won, a little orb of electricity came and hit Lloyd in the back, frizzing his hair beyond recognition and he fell to the ground, wriggling and twitching as sparks traveled over his body.

"Mmm..." he murmured. "That feels niiiiiice..."

Genis was extremely creeped out, until the people who shot him knocked him out with a stick.

The people traveled across the desert, and arrived at a giant blue building, when Genis woke up and decided to play the 'whiny, helpless brat' card.

"NO! Please let me go! It was that guy's fault! I WANT MY MOMMY! WAAAAAAAHH!" he cried, causing the guards to glance at each other strangely, and finally, one of them sighed.

"Fine. As a fellow kinsman, I'll let you go," he grumbled. Genis took a step back and his eyes widened.

"THANK YOU MIIISSSTEEER!" he yelled, running away.

He reached Noishe, who followed them for no reason whatsoever. "Come on, Noishe," said Genis. "Even though I would love to leave Lloyd here, we can't, because you never know, his exsphere could be necessary to wake up some sicko's dead sister!"

Somewhere, Mithos sneezed.

Then Genis raised an eyebrow, confused about what he just said. "Let's go."

GENIS OBTAINED THE TITLE 'WHAT ARE FRIENDS FOR?'

Then, some time later, Lloyd woke up in his cell. "Ugh...where am I?" he said, to no one in particular.

He sat up and realized he was in a tiny cell with a tiny cot that he was sleeping on. He stood up, and overheard some Desians talking.

"HELLO HARRY!" said one, in a voice similar to Remiel's, except not as loud.

"Hey, Ryan," said the other, in a british accent, with a girl on each arm.

Lloyd listened to their conversation, which took forever, but Lloyd learned that he would be executed. Now Genis, upon hearing this, would've jumped up for joy, but that would be mean. Plus he isn't here. And, we have to keep Lloyd alive, obviously.

The guards left their chat, and one went back in forth in front of the cell. Lloyd was bummed, since all his equipment was gone.

"All I have is the sorcerer's sto-I mean, ring..." he whispered. Then, Lloyd Irving actually had an idea for the second time in five chapters. We're on a roll, folks.

He pointed the ring at the guard and hit him with a ball of fire, causing the guard to run away, screaming, to find a band-aid.

And somehow, the door opened. Um...

Anyway, Lloyd ran out, and found a box full of all his supplies. He took them, and ran out into the other hallway where Ryan and Harry were talking before.

An alarm went off, and the guard in the hallway, Justin, (Lloyd read the nametag) whirled around to face him, his pants down to his knees, showing a gas mask underneath, and some Dora the Explorer underwear.

"P-prison break!" he stuttered. No one understood him, since he was vocally challenged, before Lloyd slaughtered him. Thank Go-I mean, Martel!

And so, Lloyd ran through the building, somehow solving puzzles along the way, until he ran into a room filled with plush and junk.

"Phew..." he panted.

"...And just who the hell are you?" said a voice.

Lloyd turned and saw a man with...bright blue hair. "Aw, come on!" he shouted, startling the blue man. "How many people are cosplaying fruits?!"

The man confused, then sighed, leaned in and whispered, 'No, that's not your line!"

"Oh."

The man sighed, again, and repeated, "And just who the hell are you?"

Lloyd raised an eyebrow. "Gimme my name and I'll give you yours!" he shouted, proud of coming up with such a great one-liner.

The man sighed, but continued. "I'm afraid I don't see the need to introduce myself to a miserable little creature like you," he snarled.

Lloyd laughed, for no reason. "What a coincidence," he said, "because I don't see the need to introduce myself to a moron who doesn't realize how much he looks like a blueberry!"

The man frowned. "Why you little..."

Suddenly, Lloyd held up his exsphered hand, for no reason whatsoever. The man saw it and stepped back, doubling over as if he had to go to the bathroom. "An exsphere?" he cried. "You're...Lloyd?!"

Lloyd rolled his eyes. "No, I'm a chibi man."

"Well, that's true."

"That was sarcasm!"

"Oh. Well, you suck at it."

Then he walked up to Lloyd and stared very deeply into his eyes, squinting mysteriously. Lloyd's eyes began to twitch, as the man's stare was burning into his soul.

Finally, Lloyd doubled over, clutching his head, complaining about his soul being violated, then he wondered what the word 'violated' meant. The man released his soul-seeing gaze, and crossed his arms, nodding.

"I can see the resemblance."

"What?"

"N-nothing!"

Just then, a guy wearing a dress with one sleeve, and had spiky hair, came in, with his cronies. Lloyd recognized them, somehow.

"Sir!" he said.

The man scowled. "And just where have you been?"

The other man looked down shamefully. "My apologies...we were on a retreat...with our, um...sugar plum fairies..."

The man sighed. "What do you want?"

The other man said, "We've just learned that the chosen's group has infiltrated the building! And Kratos is with them!"

The man swore under his breath. "I can't let him see me; then my brilliant blackmail plan will be ruined!" He ran out of the room, like the coward he was.

Just then, some more people came in, who happened to be Genis, Kratos and, unfortunately...Colette...

"LLOYD! OMG! ARE YOU OKAY?!" screamed Colette, eyes wild as she looked him up and down.

"Hm...no one seems to be hurt," said Kratos.

"Do you ever do anything besides stating the obvious?" said Lloyd.

Then they fought Botta. Lloyd used many Demon Fangs and Sword Thrusts, and Colette watched him, gaping. Especially when he did Sword Thrusts. Genis used many a stone blast, which only made Botta stronger, since he likes his daily serving of dirt. Kratos just healed everyone. He was very bored.

Eventually, after much restoring of the game, they beat Botta. He just stood there, and said, "I underestimated your abilities," while staring at Kratos, even though all Kratos did was heal.

Then, Botta LEFT HIS WEAPON ON THE FLOOR and ran out. Lloyd was impressed at himself for beating him, Genis gaped at the stupidity of Botta for leaving his weapon on the ground, Kratos was rehearsing his next lines, and Colette stared at the shiny scythe that Botta left. "Shiny..." she drawled, drooling.

Then somehow, Raine came in and picked up the sword, which should have been too heavy for her. She stared at it, and noticed an exsphere in it. She took it, and Kratos suggested they go back to Triet. And Kratos's word is law.

And so, they began their journey to Triet, to unfortunately face the fat creeper and wandering people. Not to mention the scamming fortune teller. :)

**And there you have it: Chapter 5! Sorry it's been a while, I am writing, like, 3 fanfics at once, and some of them won't be published online, at least not yet. I am trying to focus on this.**

**Ciao! **

**Oh yeah-review! (Or get Raine's pie to the face.) XD **


	6. Random campsites and bombshell ninjas

Greetings,** random citizens!** **Obviously, I have published chapter 6. Woah! I'm on a roll, compared to some...**

**Also, THANK YOU for all the views!**

**Anyway, here we go:**

Chapter 6

Random Campsites and Bombshell Ninjas:

After the sorry lot and Kratos got back to Triet, they went shopping, rested, and set out for the fire seal, AKA the Triet Ruins.

Once they got there, they stopped for some reason.

"It's a good idea if you learn to guard yourselves," said an impatient Kratos. "I may not always be there to help you, because you never know, I could be part of a 4,000 year old organization dedicated to waking up some sicko's sister!"

Stares all around.

Kratos then realized his slip-up and sweat a bit. "I mean, I don't want to spend money on you!" he added quickly, and everyone forgot about his mistake.

And so, he taught 'Force Field' to Raine and Genis, 'Guardian' to Lloyd, and 'Damage Guard' to Colette. I doubt she will ever use it, though.

Anyway, they made their way to the front of something, and Raine nearly fainted.

"LOOK AT THIS!" she cried, causing everyone, even Kratos to cringe in fear. She sprinted up, and knelt down, examining something very thoroughly.

"This is polycarbonate, used during the Ancient Kharlan War to defend against magic!" she cried, stroking it with a crazy look on her face. "So smoooth..." she drawled. Everyone except Colette buried their face in their hands.

RAINE OBTAINED THE TITLE, 'RUINS THE MODE!'

Lloyd suddenly looked very confused.

"Isn't polycarbonate a type of plastic?"

"No! Shut up!"

Then Raine went up to a pedestal, and stared back and forth from it and Colette. "Colette!"

"Yes, professor?" she asked, grinning.

"Put your hand on this!" Raine yelled.

"Okay!" she chirped, and skipped up, and put her hand on a pebble.

"Oh, brother..."

After a lot of correcting and moving stuff, they opened a door. "No!" cried Raine, sobbing. "My polycarbonate..."

"The plastic?"

"Shut up!"

And so, they made their way inside. It was very hot; Lloyd was sweating like a pig. Although they don't have sweat glands...they roll around in their own...um...never mind...

Genis was fine, since he wears shorts. Colette didn't care, she was just happy to be with Lloyd. Kratos can't feel anyth-I mean...um...I didn't just foreshadow!

And Raine, in her oversized orange, shapeless poncho, was being roasted, like a turkey. The one that did get eaten on Thanksgiving. It was not a pretty picture.

Eventually, they solved a bunch of puzzles, and beat the guardian seal, yadda yadda. Then, our favorite announcer Remiel appeared, after they broke the seal.

"CHOSEN OF REGENERATION, COME ON DOWN AGAAAAAIN!" he cried, in the same voice as before. "CONGRATZ ON MAKING IT THIS FAR WITHOUT BEING MAULED! YOU WIN...A BRAAND NEEW CAAAAAAAAAR!"

Colette squealed and jumped up and down for joy, and Remiel and the others looked confused. "What's a car?" asked Lloyd. Remiel ignored him, having eyes and ears only for Colette. That came out wrong...

"NOW, I GRANT YOU THE POWER OF THE ANGELS!" he cried, and a swirly light came and wrapped itself around Colette. Soon, she had pink angel wings.

"NOW, GO EAST, TO THE WATER SEAL! FOR YOUR TRIP, YOU JUST WON...WAIT FOR IT...A BRAAND NEEW BOOOOOOOOAAAAAAT!"

Colette squealed again for joy. Raine looked nauseous and shocked at the same time.

Then, Remiel disappeared, leaving Genis to gape at Colette's wings, something very unlike him.

After Genis's immature scene involving Colette's wings, (Again, that came out wrong...) they decided to make camp. Of course, since Kratos said so. And he is the Alpha Male of the wolves.

And so, despite them being in the middle of a desert, they somehow found a clearing with hills, trees and grass. Umm...

Lloyd, being bored, decided to talk to everybody, starting with Genis.

"How was the tofu curry?" asked Genis, suddenly.

Lloyd paused and thought for a moment. "Well...it tasted okay..."

"OKAY?!" he screamed, and everyone looked up, startled at his outburst. "OKAY?!" he repeated. "I WORKED FOR HOURS ON THAT! FINDING THE RIGHT INGREDIENTS, PREPARING THE CAMPFIRE, AND TAKING MEASUREMENTS, AND YOU CALL IT **OKAY?!**"

"He's like Raine when she's in ruin mode..." Lloyd muttered.

SMACK!

Then he went to talk to Kratos.

"Your exsphere has an unusual color," said Kratos, randomly.

"Yeah, I guess," he said. "Why do you have one?" he asked.

"I took one from a desian," he explained.

"Really?"

Kratos rolled his eyes. "No, I got it 4,000 years ago at the end of the war and became an angel!"

Lloyd stared.

"That was sarcasm," he deadpanned.

"Oh."

There was a long, very uncomfortable silence.

"Can I ask you something?" asked Kratos suddenly.

Lloyd looked at him like he was crazy. "Since when do you ask permission for anything?"

"I'll take that as a yes. Why were you raised by a dwarf?"

"Why?" Lloyd asked suspiciously. "Why would you want to know that? I mean, it's not like you know where my real father is or something weird like that!" he exclaimed.

Kratos began sweating a bit.

Lloyd sighed. "Dad found me and mom and Noishe in the forest, and took me in because I was abandoned by my father, since he's a real douche!"

Kratos sweat even worse.

"But we were attacked by desians," he added, and Kratos relaxed a bit.

"I see. The desians really screwed your life over, huh?"

"Yeah..."

He decided to talk to Raine next.

"It looks like Colette's getting better," said Raine.

"Darn it..."

"I wonder if her biological structure is changing!" she exclaimed, eyes gleaming. "I simply MUST dissect her!" she shouted, reaching for her scalpel.

Lloyd blinked. "Bio-wha?"

She sighed. "I meant, she's turning into a different life form."

Lloyd gasped. "Like an alien?"

"Uh...no. What's an alien?"

He shrugged and she sighed. "Besides," he said, "Colette is Colette. She'll always be an idiot!"

She nodded. "Yes, you're right. You always point out the truth.

"Yeah, well..."

And then, he went to Colette. Much to his dismay.

"Here's your birthday present, that took me a whole night to make!" he said, handing her a bracelet with Fruit Loops on it.

She gasped and grabbed it, and started to eat it. "Sugar..."

She finished it in five seconds, then got all depressed when he saw the weird look on Lloyd's face.

"I'm sorry," she said sadly. "I keep causing trouble for you..."

"Yep, pretty much."

"I'm sorry..."

"By the way," said Lloyd, "you haven't been eating. Are you anorexic or something?"

She looked at him like he was crazy. "What?! NO!"

"That's what she said!" he laughed.

She gave him a weird look. "I'm going for a walk. Don't come, since you're weird."

"Um...okay..."

Once she left, Genis let out the laughter he had been holding in. "Hahahaha! You got rejected!"

"Shut up!"

Then we see Colette, standing out in the middle of nowhere, doubled over. She coughed, rather loudly.

"Ugh...what's happening to me?" she asked to nobody in particular. "Am I becoming an alien, like Lloyd said?"

Then, the next day, they started back for Triet. They stocked up on supplies, and Lloyd carefully avoided the creepy fat man. They learned that the Ossa trail had been opened, and they headed that way.

Once they got there, they went down a ways, until they heard a voice. "Stop!"

They stopped, and looked around for whoever said that. They eventually saw a person jump down from the cliff.

She was a woman, dressed in very...revealing clothing. She had a ponytail, and she was holding cards. The thing that Lloyd noticed the most: she was HOT.

"Is the chosen of mana among you?" she said.

"OOH! OOH! PICK ME! PICK ME!" screamed Colette, jumping up and down and waving her arms wildly.

"Prepare to die!" the woman said, and charged her. But unfortunately for us, Colette didn't die, because she tripped over nothing, again, and fell on what looked like a lollypop sticking out of the ground. Remember, kids; you CAN grow candy.

Once she did, a trap door opened in the path of the charging ninja, and she hovered in the air, somehow, until falling down the hole. "Uh-oh..."

Colette kneeled by the hole, looking extremely sad. "Oh no! What should I do? I did it again-"

"-I played with your heart, got lost in the game-" sang Lloyd, his musical ADD finally kicking in.

"Shut up!" Raine screamed, and hit Lloyd over the head. "Dwarven vow number 24," said Lloyd, "always sing Britney Spears songs when someone falls!"

He was ignored.

Genis walked up to the hole and looked down it. "Assuming her weight to be this, and the ratio of pi to be that..."

Lloyd looked extremely lost and Genis sighed. "She's alive."

Colette sighed in relief. "Yay! Now I can go make her one of my Facebook friends, and then make her follow me on Twitter, whatever those are!"

And so, they made their way through the Ossa Trail, encountering many monsters and some bandits, I think. Then, finally, they reached the end of the trail, which was in front of a very obvious-looking door.

The door opened, and none other than a certain bombshell ninja came out, panting and sweating, which put a big dent in the whole 'bombshell' thing. But nonetheless, Lloyd was still staring at her. Mostly at her chest.

"S-stop!"

"A wise decision," mused Raine.

The woman looked at her like she was crazy, and she had right to do so.

"Prepare to die!" she shouted, again, and a battle commenced. In the fight, she had a helper, and I'm not really sure what it was. Anyway, the battle was rough, because all the main people are weaklings. But still, they need to win to move the plot along, so let's just go with that. As much as I would love to kill off Colette...darn it.

They won, mostly by sheer luck, and the ninja knelt on the ground, panting and sweating even harder. "Just you wait!" she cried. "I'll get you next time!" And then, she disappeared in a cloud of smoke, like Captain Qwark. Only this time, it worked, alarming everyone's clocks. (See what I did there? HEHEHE!)

Raine was lost in thought. "Those clothes...they were strange, weren't they?"

"Why, Professor?" asked Lloyd. "You want to know where she got them so you can ditch that shapeless poncho you wear?"

SMACK!

And so, they pressed onward, learning about Unison Attacks and eventually made it to a little place called Izoold. It was, to put it simply, extremely small. Small and smelly.

There was an inn with about two beds, and two houses, a market, and a port that smelled like fish and tomatoes, which Kratos almost threw up on. Colette skipped along while everyone else lagged behind, depressed by the dismalness of the town.

They talked to a local, aimlessly wandering citizen and randomly learned that this one guy Aifread was going back to Luin.

Then, they rudely barged into someone's house, where someone was practicing her soap opera debut.

"How can I quell these feelings I have? Aifread..."

"You should try Aspirin," said Raine, stepping forward. "That's what I do, anyway..." She shot a glance at a clueless Lloyd.

Genis sighed, and said to the girl, "I heard he was going back to Luin."

She gasped. "I must go to him!" she cried. "III'M COOMIINNNGG AAIIIIFREEEEAAADD!" she wailed, running out of the house wildly.

After an awkward silence which included a lot of blinking, they followed the girl to the docks, where she was yelling at a man who was standing next to a dinghy.

"But WHY won't you?" she said.

"Because, Lyla, it's too dangerous! There are monsters out there!"

"What do you mean 'you won't go out because of sea monsters?!' This isn't Pirates of the Caribbean, you know!"

"Um...guys?" said Lloyd cautiously, slowly walking up to them.

Lyla sighed. "It's you. Will you take this letter to Luin? Max here will be MORE than happy to take you! Won't you, Max?"

He opened his mouth to object, but thought better of it when Lyla shot him a death glare, and he loves her. "I'll...do it..."

Lyla smiled triumphantly, handed Lloyd the letter, and walked off, humming the song, 'Together Again.'

Max reluctantly led the way onto the 'boat,' and they started their extremely and impossibly short journey across the sea, that did not include sea monsters. And I wish I could write more, but chapters have to end somewhere! Until next time...

**That's chapter 6...**

**Review, and I'll give you a cookie!**

**Well, maybe not... {:D**


	7. Fish City and Not-so-Goldilocks

**Yo. **

**This is chapter 7, obviously. And I am sorry this is coming out so late! There is a thing called 'life.' Another one is 'inspiration.' Which has been lacking lately. **

**I originally meant to post this like two weeks ago, in honor of my birthday, March 24th. Happy 14, me! This is a late birthday present to myself. :) **

**And to you, if your birthday happens to be two weeks ago, this month, or year! XD**

**Please review. Or I will throw a mental birthday candle at you. **

**Enjoy!**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Tales of Symphonia. Or Tales of Phantasia. Or Tales of Vesperia. Or Tales of the Abyss. Or Tales of Legendia. Or Tales of Eternia. Or...**

**Chapter 7**

**Hakakanonesia Peak and Not-So-Goldilocks **

The boat ride across the sea took about _ hours, those which consisted of Colette almost falling off the boat, (she did once, and they had to turn around,) Genis sitting and rolling his eyes constantly, Lloyd keeping Colette from falling and complaining that he was bored, Raine throwing up on everyone and everything when she wasn't taking aspirin, and Kratos being cryptic as ever and drooling over his money bag. And absolutely no sea monsters.

After that, Max stopped in Palmacosta, Fish City Incor-um...Palmacosta, the city of...something unknown. Probably fish. But that was more likely Izoold...never mind...

The arrived at a shabby port, and Max, for some reason, decided to try and find another boat back to Izoold, even though HE HAS A BOAT RIGHT NEXT TO HIM. Sometimes, the stupidity of Tales of Symphonia characters truly appalls me.

They ran through the tiny, narrow streets of the market, and they discovered MORE wandering people! Yay!

Not so much.

They headed down another street, where a suspicious character lurked in the shadows. Then, at the corner, Colette ran into some people who were wandering, but not aimlessly, so they must have had an actual purpose besides entertaining strange people in the sky.

Colette fell on her rear, and the other girl fell flat on her face, making a squishing sound, like a tomato being stepped on. She dropped a vial of pink stuff, which shattered upon contact with the ground, and stood up, glaring at Colette.

"Hey!" she shouted. She was very rude. "You broke my potion! Now, my crony will do the dirty work for me!" She stepped back as a man with spiky hair came up, flexing his muscles and checking out the ladies of the group, Raine and Colette. He also noticed Genis.

Genis noticed this and he facepalmed, his self-confidence level going way down the meter.

He grinned at Raine, and growled at Kratos, causing Kratos glare at him, peering into his soul. The other guy doubled over, clutching his head.

"Ugh...now you have to pay my medical bill!" he cried. "Oh yeah, and buy us a new potion! Which is ridiculously expensive!"

Kratos's eye twitched. "NO! NO SPENDING!" Everyone was startled for a moment, before our group walked off to a nearby shop, to buy some potion. The shop was unfortunately named ''Marble's.'' Genis, upon reading the sign, twitched and got all emo. But I think he already was. Note the hair.

They entered, and saw a strange sight. Desians were buying stuff from a shop. Or at least they were trying to. This place hired a hot-headed diva.

"No way!" she cried. "There's no way someone would sell those to you at a price that low! Especially me, 'cuz I'm a teenage diva who has forgiveness issues!"

"Chocolat!" cried a woman on the end of the shop, watching without doing anything.

"But mom, it's nature to be this way at this age! Plus, these are the monsters that took gramma away to the freak show!" Genis twitched again. Lloyd didn't notice, being thick headed as ever.

The desian growled. "Watch your mouth, girl! It's already humiliating and unusual and unusually humiliating that I have to come into this town in the first place!"

"I don't need to hear that from a bunch of filthy desians! Literally and physically filthy! And I'm not going to sell a single gel to you, since I'm a tough clerk!"

The desian GRRRRd. "Keep that up, and I can't guarantee what'll happen to you or this city!"

"Just try it! Governor-General Dorr will beat the snot out of you, and I'll be right there next to him! And I've got the kung fu!"

And then, they left, while Raine, Genis, and Colette hid their faces. Well, not really, since they were just looking at stuff in the room. Genis looked at Lloyd, and was annoyed that he was not even attempting to hide his face, being a wanted criminal and all. Raine was focused on a historic relic, and Colette was staring and drooling at a shiny.

After they left, the girl, Vanilla-er, Chocolat turned back to little miss chipper.

"I'm off to work now, mom!" she shouted, at the old woman, suddenly all bi-polar. "And you can't stop me, since I'm a teen rebel!" she cried, getting all 'rebellious teen' again. And then she left. By the way, wasn't she already at work just now? Hmm...mind-boggling...

When Chocolat was out of hearing range, the other woman in there sighed. "Idiot teenager..."

They approached her, and learned that the Palma Potion was a wallet-robbing 1,000 gald.

"NO!" screamed Kratos, louder than he ever had in his life. His eyes were red, like blood. "I REFUSE TO PAY!"

And so, they stole the potion, and Cacao (the woman) didn't chase them. She figured it was for the good of the Chosen's journey. Also, having a diva kid helps you ignore the little things.

They gave the potion to the people waiting at the road, and went to the the plaza, where they witnessed a heart-wrenching, tear-jerking, absolutely and completely unnecessary scene.

An older man was with a little girl, talking to a little boy. Lloyd instantly marked this man as a pedophile.

LLOYD OBTAINED THE TITLE 'PEDOMARKER!'

"Don't worry," said the older man. "I'll get your dad out of the ranch, since I'm an attractive superhero! All I need is some green spandex and a mask!"

Genis fell to his knees, and his face looked horrified. "No! The images! MAKE THEM STOP!" he cried. Raine knelt down and started comforting him, while Lloyd laughed. Colette also laughed, but only because Lloyd did.

Unfortunately, the man heard them, and shot a death glare before running back to...somewhere. I forgot. Oops...

And so, they headed into a big building that was Dorr's place. Thing. Abode. Cubby. Building. Pad, since it is by no standards a house. Dorr was waiting.

"So, you've come!" he cried.

"Yep!"

Silence.

Raine then stepped forward. "We would like to see the book of regeneration, please! Mostly because I MUST carbon date it!"

Dorr shook his head. "I am afraid that the book of regeneration was given to some weirdly-dressed people. They left."

Genis stamped his foot, like a horse. "But we need it for Colette! She's the chosen, you idiots!"

There was a brief silence.

Dorr's assistant, Neil, coughed. "Um, sir..."

"Yes." He turned back to the group, suddenly all worked up. "The chosen of regeneration was just in here! How dare you exploit that name! Guards!" he cried, sending the guards after them. Then, Colette tripped over NOTHING and somehow her wings popped out, like candy from piñatas.

"Oops..."

The little girl, Kilia, gasped. "Look, Daddy!" she cried. "Shiny wings! Now GIVE THEM TO ME, because I want them, NOW!" she screamed.

Colette hissed like an annoyed cat. "SSSSSSSSS! MY SHINY! ME ME ME!"

COLETTE OBTAINED THE TITLE, 'SHARING IS FOR CHUMPS!'

Dorr grimaced at his daughter's never-ending shouting for things that were impossible to get. He pretended to ignore her and held up his hand, signaling for the guards to stop.

"Guards, stop!" he ordered, and they stopped.

"Forgive me," he said. "It seems that the people we gave the book to were impostors."

Genis face palmed. "How stupid ARE you guys?!" He got a smack from Raine.

"Didn't they say they were going to Hakakanonesia Peak?" said Lloyd, strangely suddenly remembering the little things...

...that never seemed to happen...oops...

"It's _Hakonesia!"_ Raine shouted, smacking him on the head.

"Bless you!" said Genis.

"I didn't sneeze..."

"Oh."

And so, they left, to go to Hakonesia Peak, encountering-oh no!- _grasshoppers_ and _ladybugs_ along the way. The only problem was, they were bigger than Lloyd's head. That's pretty big.

They made it to Hakonesia Peak, and went into a shabby old shack where a man stood on his cane. His nose was red, so I'll assume he had an EXTREMELY bad cold. Worse than Phaidra. They would make a good couple...eww. Never mind.

"He dar, hod stuh!" he said grinning, and winking at Raine. He earned a death glare.

"Show us the book of regeneration!" she shouted, causing the old guy (Koton is his name) to grin wider. "Ooh, I lik girs wid a addidude!"

Glare #2. This time, Raine almost looked into his soul. Lloyd got scared and Kratos was very proud.

Speaking of which, Lloyd stared at the man like he was a pile of food, only more shocked than hungry. And annoyed. "Oh you have GOT to be KIDDING ME!" shouted, earning glares and weird looks from all around the room.

"What?" he said. "It's not my fault that Sylvaranti have such weird and high dreams of looking like fruits! Take Kratos for example! He looks like a grape!" Kratos growled as Genis and Raine nodded.

"And there's this one guy I saw at the base!" he said. "A Blueberry!"

Kratos suddenly got nervous.

He then pointed dramatically at Koton, his finger touching the tip of his nose. "And now, we have Koton, who is a TOMATO for crying out loud!"

Kratos screamed. "NOOOOO! OF ALL THE THINGS, WHY _TOMATOES?!_ THE HORROR!

Everyone jumped back, startled by his outburst. Koton narrowed his eyes.

"I don' like guys," he said. He turned his attention back to Raine. "He, dar, whad'll ya gimme fer da book?"

"Nothing."

"Well, dat jus won' do, won' do ad all." He smiled. "I give ya a pass id ya gimme 100,000,000 gald!

Kratos just about died in the corner.

Lloyd's mouth fell open in shock. "One...one hundred...million...gald... that's highway robbery!" he complained.

"Shaddap, boy! I had ya know, I hade med!"

"But you are a man..."

Kratos was now sitting on the ground, eyes wide, head in his hands, breathing hard, like he just had an intensive workout on the Biggest Loser.

"So that means even those on pilgrimages with the Church can't go past..." Raine said.

The man grinned wider. "Preddy and smard! If yer on a pigrimige, go joid the Asgard ruin tour in Pamacodda!"

"Hey, you're in cahoots with the travel agency!" said Genis.

"Shaddap! If you don't have money, ged oud, liddle gal! I like oder women!"

Genis's self-confidence level shot down, like the amount of clean air around us, by about 70%.

Colette walked over to the wall and looked at something on a pedastal. "Oooh...shiny..."

"Ya had a good eye," said Koton. "Thad id sometin I conn-I mean, _purdised_ from the Chosen. It has the leged of Spiritua, and is very od! Like you, preddy lady," he said, looking at Raine.

"I've bin wan'n ta git my hads on dis fer ades!" he added. He then made the biggest mistake of his life and_ winked at Raine._

That was the first time Raine hit a stranger.

"Can we look at the book?" asked Lloyd.

The man raised his eyebrows. "Are ya kiddin? Why shud I led ya people look ad it?" he said, rubbing his head from Raine's punch.

"Oh, come on!" cried Genis. "Colette is the cho-" He was cut off by a very aggressive blow from Raine.

"Stop. We'll be the ones treated like impostors." She turned back to Koton. "She is the Chosen's stalker. She wants to touch everything that the chosen has touched. She can also read the angelic language."

"Yup yup!" said Colette. "I've studied it since I was little!"

Lloyd raised his eyebrows. "You studied?"

Genis shot him a glare. "Like you're one to talk..."

"Shut up!"

Koton ignored them. "Well, if it's dat important, den the pancake and the sekshy lady can have a look ad it." They all breathed a sigh of relief.

"Dat is, if you get me da Spiritua Statue."

You know that sound of a needle getting ripped off a record? Imagine the needle getting ripped off so hard that the record broke in two and the record player got smashed to bits. That is what this felt like.

They all began talking at once. More like yelling and crying.

"NOOOOOOO! I MUST have a look at that book!"

"You're so stingy! Like it costs you anything to just let us have a look!"

"Dur..."

"We have to backtrack?"

"This is going to cost more money, isn't it..."

"Shaddap!" yelled Koton. "Ged oud if ya don' have da stachew!"

They left, reluctantly. "See ya, Rudolph," said Lloyd on the way out, earning a glare from Koton.

When they got outside, there was a large group of people in front of Koton's house, all with pitchforks and torches. "We want money!" they chanted. "We want money! We want money!"

Lloyd approached one of the mobbers. "Um...whatcha' doin'?" he said.

"We want our money back from Koton!" he said. "He conned us out of our belongings! Oh yeah, don't go to Palmacosta, Desians are there." He went back to the mob and continued chanting.

Lloyd was left staring at the spot where the mobber once was. "All...the way...back..."

And so, they went all the way back to Palmacosta. About one person was in the street. Even that dark, suspicious character who was hiding in the shadows was gone.

They ran through the streets...well, _street_ and made it to the plaza, where someone was in a noose.

"Out of the way!" one Desian yelled. "Lord Magnius approaches!"

Just then, a big ol' muscly guy walked up towards that desian. He had...red hair. With dreadlocks, and it was in a ponytail.

A man who was for some reason right in front of the noose thing said, "It's Magnius from the eastern ranch!"

DUH!

The man, Magnius, whirled around to face him and picked him up by the neck. "VERMIN, that's LORD Magnius, vermin!" Then he cracked the guy's neck with one hand.

The desian from before said, "This woman refused to give us supplies!"

Then the desian on the other side said, "Therefore, yadda yadda yadda, SHE GON' DIE NOW!"

"Why isn't the city militia doing anything?" said Lloyd, from the other side of the plaza.

Raine gasped. "He knows the word 'militia'! It's a miracle!"

She was ignored. Then, a random NPC turned to them and said, "They are training."

Lloyd raised an eyebrow. "Wow, eavesdropping, aren't we?" He, too, was ignored. He went over and stood by Raine in the rejected circle.

Genis growled. "They must have waited for this! Slimy jerks!"

Lloyd blinked. "Those guys are slimy?"

GENIS OBTAINED THE TITLE, 'SCARILY OBSERVANT!'

Just then, a certain bi-polar teen ran up. "Mom!" she cried. She ran up to the noose.

"Stop right there, wench!" said a Desian. Although, he couldn't do much about it, since he was at least 20 feet away and hunched over. He is going to have a hunchback someday.

"If you interfere, we'll torture you and you'll be begging for death!" said another desian.

"You think Governor-General Dorr will let you get away with this?!" she cried.

Magnius looked amused. "Dorr? HAHAHAHAHAHA!" he laughed, like it was funny. A chorus of HAHAHAs rang out across the plaza. Magnius glared and they stopped.

"Don't get your hopes up, lady!" he said, glaring back at Chocolat.

Magnius didn't do anything, but Chocolat yelled, "No!" and Magnius stopped, but only because someone threw a rock at him. He turned to see a little boy, who threw another one.

"You...VERMIN!" screamed Magnius, and he jumped down from the table, and advanced on the kid. Then, Lloyd said, "Stop right there!" and a demon fang came from nowhere.

It hit Magnius, and he kneeled over, facing his attacker. The boy ran away, and all the desians gathered behind Magnius.

Lloyd stood, sword out, in a frozen position. Raine ran up to him. "Stop! You'll destroy this town, too?!"

Lloyd grew very emo. "Yup! Because if we don't, then the plot won't move forward!"

"Yup yup!" said Colette, stepping forward. "I agree with Lloyd, since I love him! And his body!"

"Hey!" shouted one of the desians by Magnius. "You're wanted criminal GRRR14...Lloyd Irving!"

Magnius straightened from his hunchback position. "So you're that _boy_ with the exsphere!"

"That just sounds weird..."

Then Magnius laughed, again, for no apparent reason. "This is perfect!" He stepped forward. "Gimme the shiny stone!"

"Is there like a group obsessed with shinies or something?"

Just then, the mage desian in the front shoved his stick into the ground, like Gandalf in the mines of Moria. A glowing circle appeared under him, and he started doing some kind of funky dance. Worse than the disco, or hammer time. He waved his arms in a wavy fashion, spreading his feet into a wide stance. Then he turned to the side, doing something like ballet, and shot a fireball at Lloyd, Raine and Colette.

Now, the sensible thing to be doing at this point is probably RUN, but no. I swear, these people have no common sense.

They stood there motionlessly, and Genis saved their hides by running up and casting a force field around himself, so the fireball didn't hurt anyone. I take it back; at least GENIS has a brain.

He whipped around, glaring death wishes at everyone. "ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW?!" he screamed. "CAN'T YOU AT LEAST _MOVE?!_"

"Geez, _sorry_, mister perfect."

"AAAAAAARRRRGH!" Magnius screamed. "You worthless idiots!"

"Well, that's true..." someone in the crowd muttered. Magnius shot them a death glare and they shut up. He turned back to the group. "Enough of this!" he cried. "I'll just take care of this woman first!"

People gaped as they thought they knew what he was trying to say, but Magnius shot his hand into the air, as if he was trying to fly. One of the desians pulled a lever, and Cacao was suspended on the noose in midair. How her neck did not break, I don't know.

"No!" Colette cried, and did something actually SMART and threw her chakram at the rope, setting Cacao free.

"Wha?!" said Magnius, as he watched the chakram, mesmerized. Then Kratos ran forward, and slashed his sword at Magnius. "Ugh!" he cried. There was probably a wound and lots of blood, but we can't see it because this is only a T-rated game. Also it was made in 2003.

Kratos sheathed his sword all nonchalantly, and crossed his arms like he was totally bored (which he was.) "Let us respect the wishes of the Chosen," he said, totally blowing their cover.

Then, little exclamation points rose up from peoples' heads and they turned to stare at Colette and all began talking.

"The Chosen?"

Then one with the EXACT SAME VOICE AS LLOYD said, "_She's_ the Chosen?" like he couldn't believe it. I agree with him.

"The Chosen herself has come to save us?" said an old guy. He was in a dress.

"Seriously people, get a life!" screamed Lloyd.

"Don't you realize what you're doing?" said Raine, finally being logical. "If you defy the desians, this town will end up like Iselia, and it'll be all YOUR fault!"

"Yep!" said Lloyd, somehow enthusiastic. "So I'll just destroy the ranch!"

"WHAT?!" everyone screamed.

"Lloyd, that's insanity! YOU CRAZY, MAN!" said Raine.

"They're only after me and Colette, anyway! And sadly, we have a stupid chosen who will somehow save the world! Nothing to worry about. Right?"

"I'll fight for everyone's sake!" she chirped, and did a twirl.

"OHH!" cried a pastor, like he couldn't believe how attractive she was, even though he is an old man. Lloyd definitely noticed this. "Lady Colette!" he continued, "the great Chosen of Mana!"

"I give up," sighed Raine. "You're all hopeless."

Everyone gaped at her. "Since when do you give up something?" said Lloyd, appalled.

SHe shot him a glare before continuing. "But, I'll help, since I'm worried that you will get all impaled or whatever."

"Stupid little..." said Magnius, still kneeling on the ground. "...Enough of this crap!"

Thank you, SOMEONE finally said it!

"I'm leaving them to you," he said to his soldiers. "Get rid of them!"

Then, a bright orange light surrounded him and he faded off into nowhere. Oh, cheesy graphics, how I love you.

"How DARE you lay a hand on Lord Magnius!" one soldier cried, even though nobody touched him. "You're all dead!"

Lloyd blinked. "We are? But I'm breathing..."

He was ignored, and a battle commenced. Which they won. Fast.

**And there you have it; chapter 7. I will hopefully update more quickly next time; what's it been, 3 or 4 weeks? **

**Please review! I want to know your opinions! I REALLY DO CARE!**


	8. Bi-polarity and Bloody Locks

**HOLY CRAP! HOLY, HOLY CRAP! (Apparently, waste has become sacred. Anyways.)**

**It has been a month. A MONTH since I last updated! **

**NO! I'M GOING TO BECOME ONE OF THOSE PEOPLE WHO UPDATE ONCE EVERY THOUSAND YEARS!**

**Just kidding. But inspiration has been lacking, homework quantity has been rising, grades have been dropping, and my parents banned all fun on my Mac until I got the grades up. And I'm only in 8th grade! =(**

**I have been typing this, though. Obviously. There are windows here and there. ;)**

**And now, here is Chapter 8! Kudos to those who get the movie references. (It's only one movie. If you've never seen it, the answer is at the end.) :)**

**Enjoy!**

**Chapter 8: Bi-polarity and Bloody Locks**

After Magnius's cronies had been creamed, much like butter, the party got somehow moved to a room that we have never seen before. Because this game is magic. They were talking with Cacao, who was, in fact, _not _dead, and Chocolat.

"Thank you," said Cacao.

Lloyd grinned. "I know, right? I'm totally awesome!"

He was ignored.

"Thank you so much for saving my mom!" sobbed Chocolat. "Even though she's a stupid parent! I don't know what would've happened if she was murdered as well...I mean, who would make my dinner? And clean my room? And tie my shoes...?" she cried, being as bi-polar as Genis. Only much, much more so.

Genis, however, was stuck at 'As well."

"As well?" he asked.

"My husband volunteered in the army and got all impaled or whatever!" cried Cacao, and broke down sobbing. "And momma was taken to the freak show!"

Genis paled visibly. Lloyd was, as usual, clueless.

"It was that stupid hag that founded the shop!" cried Chocolat. "I mean, come _on, _she had, like, two hundred cookies, and she like, never gave some to me! That's all, like, RUDE! And when she gets back, I will storm up to her and DEMAND cookies! But then I'll love her again, since she gave me cookies! Tee hee! THEY BETTER BE MACADAMIA NUT!"

There was a long silence that included a lot of weird looks, blinking, and a teenage girl panting hard after a rant.

Finally, she turned to Cacao, her mother. "Gotta go on the pilgrimage soon!" she said.

"Pil...gri...m-mage?" said Colette, smartly. People rolled their eyes.

"I'm in the Asgard thingy or whatever," Chocolat explained. "But I don't believe in Martel, since she's a douche!"

Colette gasped. "But Martel is in all of us...!"

"You didn't even hear what I said, did you...?"

She didn't hear Chocolat. "I'm sure of it. She exists inside you and me."

Lloyd gaped and gasped. "You mean...she's really Agent Smith!"(1)

LLOYD OBTAINED THE TITLE, 'MISTER ANDERSON!" (1)

He was ignored. He pouted and shut up, like many people in this story.

Chcolat pondered what Colette said. "Well...if the chosen says so, then I'll try to believe!"

Kratos rolled his eyes. "Just because she's some supposed savior for some sicko's sister doesn't mean you need to follow her 'teachings'..."

Everyone gaped at him and he gulped. "I mean, I like pie!" he screamed, and everyone forgot about his slip-up.

Lloyd was suddenly confused. "Why would you want to travel NOW?" he asked. "I mean, why would you sleep on the cold, hard ground, in the middle of the woods JUST to wake up with a rash and three million mosquito bites?"

Raine smacked him on the head. "Idiot, that's what you're doing right now!"

"Oh..."

He was smacked again.

"It's after events like this, when a madman with blood colored hair and screams 'VERMIN!' all the time comes into your town and attacks the owner of a shop, that people want to sleep in the woods and get a rash," said Kratos, "and search for 'salvation' from a false deity."

Everyone gaped at him again. He sweat a bit, realizing his second slip-up. "I mean...I hate tomatoes!"

Lloyd gasped. "WHAT! I hate them too! It's like we're related or something! But that's impossible...right? RIGHT?!"

Kratos looked terrified, but soon regained his composure. "No. It's not possible. I mean, come on, I'm only, like, 28!" he said, and laughed nervously.

Everyone nodded, not understanding. "Well, that about sums it up!" cried Chocolat. "Thank y'all!" And then, we can FINALLY leave.

When they go downstairs, Cacao is somehow magically behind the desk, standing still as a statue. She was in ecstasy because her idiot teenager had finally left. The group goes outside, and out to the House of Salvation, where a very random guard comes up to them, looking panicked.

"Please help us, since you're the main characters and the entire world revolves around your decisions!" he cried. "A tour guide has been captured!"

Everyone gasped all dramatic-like, like in those cheap, corny soap operas.

"Who got captured?" cried Lloyd, and pointed a finger to the sky. (Not THE finger.) "we must save them at once!"

The guard wiped a tear away. "It was...it was...it was CHOCOLAT!"

Lloyd gave him an 'are you kidding me right now' look. "Seriously? Who'd wanna save that crackhead?"

The guard gasped. "How dare you use such foul language?! She's not a crackhead! She just has hormonal issues!"

Lloyd just shrugged. "Whatever...same thing..."

The guard rolled his eyes. "No, it's not. But she's at the Palmacosta Ranch, under the guy with hair that looks like he used it to mop up blood. YOUR BLOOD! I suggest you save her, or I'll kill you. Kill you to DEATH!" And then, he walked away.

Lloyd gaped at the spot where the psychopathic soldier once stood. "You mean...she's actually _under_ him?!"

Everyone face palmed.

"That means...Chocolat's a horsey!" squealed Colette. Everyone rolled their eyes.

"Lloyd, you're a moron," deadpanned Kratos. But Lloyd didn't notice this, since he has the attention span of a noodle.

And so, they went to the Palmacosta. It looked like a big block on the outside. It was in some woods. They went into one of the wooded areas around it, and met Dorr's assistant, Neil.

"Travelers!" cried Neil. "Thank Martel you're here! You must save Chocolat and/or kill Magnius, since there's no one else anywhere more active and/or committed to doing something! Besides walking and/or running around aimlessly and/or with purpose in towns and/or dungeons!"

They blinked. "O...kay..."

Neil shook his head. "It is not okay and/or acceptable! You must save that one chick and/or girl Chocolat, since she brings in money and/or customers to the town! That's the only reason we tolerate and/or deal with that-"

"So!" Interrupted Raine, trying to get to the point, unlike some (Lloyd and Colette) who were simply nodding and smiling at every word that Neil said. "We must save Chocolat! Let's go!"

"Wait," said Neil. "BTW, Dorr's working with the desians. You can either save a bi-polar teenager from a mass murderer with blood-colored hair or go kick Dorr's sorry ass. Your choice. And/or decision."

And so, the group chose the way of saving the teenager. They like to live on the wild side of life.

They got inside the ranch, and came across a thingy.

"OMGZ!" Raine squealed. "It's a radar!"

"Ray...dar?" said Lloyd smartly.

Raine nodded equally. "Put the sorcerer's stone...I mean, ring, over this thing! At once!"

Lloyd obeyed, and then a box popped up in front of their faces, saying, 'THE SORCERER'S STON-RING-'S FUNCTION JUST CHANGED! HAVE FUN SEEING THE INVISIBLE! **REMEMBER, THERE'S MORE THAN MEETS THE EYE!**" As if on cue, Transformers music started playing but it soon faded away with the box.

They moved on, using the radar to see secret blocks, when they came across a weird-looking box.

"OMGZ!" Raine squealed, for the second time. "It's a refresher!"

"Re...fr-fresher?" said Colette. Yes. Surprisingly, she is being more retarded than normal.

Raine nodded. "Yes! It will restore your health and it is a store! Let's try it!"

"Okay..." and Lloyd went up to try it out. He pressed some random buttons until a giant clown popped out and scared the heck out of Colette, and she hid behind Lloyd.

She started crying and wailed, "Save me-"

"-Somebody save me, don't care how you do it-" sang Lloyd.

"-from the scary clown!" she finished, paying no attention to the musicality of Lloyd.

They bashed the clown and proceeded to refresh themselves and buying lots of Life Bottles and Apple Gels.

And so, they went on some more, to find a bunch of cards. They put them in a warp pad. They used many warp pads, discovered many glinty things, and eventually came across a guard, who was taking Chocolat to another warp.

BTW. That was the worst puzzle EVER in the early part of the game. I kept getting lost...getting found...and then lost again. GRR!

"OMG!" she cried, when she saw Lloyd and company. "Save me, or that guard will kill you to death!"

"You knew about that?" cried Lloyd, causing everyone else to roll their eyes.

"Lloyd, Chocolat may have set this up." said Kratos, rolling his eyes.

"Really?"

He sighed and rolled his eyes again. "No, I did! Because I'm the right hand man to the leader of this system that tortures people and stuff!"

Lloyd took this as sarcasm, which relieved Kratos.

And then, they kicked some desian booty, and Chocolat turned to the group.

"Thanks!" she said. "Come with me! I saw a room with shiny stuff-"

"SHINY!" screamed Colette. She ran to Chocolat and started shaking her shoulders. "Gimme the shiny!"

"Okay!" said Chocolat, and Colette let her go. "This way..." And she led them to another warp pad.

When they warped to the room, they found that it was indeed filled with shinies. LOTS of them. Colette floated up to Cloud Nine.

"So, the forsaken chosen and her band of idiots have finally arrived!" said a voice.

"Forsaken chosen...band of idiots...shouldn't you be reversing that?" said Kratos, as a man with blood red hair and a big scar came floating down on a chair thing.

"No! Shut it!" Magnius screamed. "You're all idiots! Especially the kid in red! You killed an old lady! What the heck is wrong with you?!"

Lloyd gave him a blank stare, as Chocolat paled.

"Wha?" she said.

"YES!" cried Magnius, and smiled like he just won the lottery showing his black and red teeth. Probably from eating people. "That kid killed your gramma! Tell me...how do you feel?!"

Chocolat paled. "No...I refuse to be saved by my Gramma's murderer! Now it's your fault I won't get any cookies! Plus, I have forgiveness issues!" Also, I.." The guards took her away through a warp pad as she continued her 'Life ain't fair!' rant.

Magnius pulled out a giant sword thingy. "You honestly think you can defeat me?!"

MAGNIUS GAINED THE TITLE, "COCKY, AREN'T WE?!"

And so, the battle begun. Magnius was like Botta; he eats dirt. Not just any dirt, but dirt filled with testosterone. That's how he got so muscly and weird. Testosterone plus steroids.

And they (meaning Lloyd, Genis, Kratos and Raine) kicked Magnius's booty, but only so the plot will move along.

"Gah!" cried Magnius, as he was thrown to the floor. He landed in a pool of his own blood.

"Hey!" cried Lloyd in realization. "Now his hair matches his blood! Awesome!"

Raine looked as if she would throw up at any moment. "Ugh..."

"Colette has been chosen by Yggdra-I mean, by the angels," said Kratos. "This was to be expected, you douche."

"Wha-then...I was deceived!" cried Magnius, and the group get out of there after setting the self-destruct system. They ran. Fast.

"Let's get outta here!" cried Colette.

"Ditto!" said Genis, and they ran faster, until the daylight came into view and they were free!

"Thank goodness," Raine sighed. "I thought that-"

"I thought that we were goners!" Genis panted between breaths, and Raine shot him a death glare. No one finishes Raine's sentences but Raine.

NO ONE.

And so, Raine proceeded to chase Genis all over the place, wearing herself out because Genis thought it would be funny to cast "Stone Blast!" on her so she would never catch up. How wrong he was.

Genis ran out of TP. And Raine, being the only smart one (besides Kratos) took this as an opportunity. She grabbed Genis by the arms and looked into his eyes. Very, very deeply. She looked into his soul.

Genis freaked and Kratos wiped away a tear of pride.

"Spanking time," she whispered.

**_MEANWHILE, INSIDE THE NOT-YET DESTRUCTED RANCH._**...

"I must inform Forcystus!" said a mutilated Magnius.

He crawled baby-style over to a giant shiny thing and pressed a button, but it wasn't Forcystus's image that popped up.

Instead, a funky looking neck-brace-wearing guy wearing orange Morpheus(1) glasses appeared. "I can't let you do that," he snarled.

"You!" cried Magnius, "there was no order to kill the Chosen, was there?!"

The man laughed, a nasally, sinus infected laugh. "HAHAHA!" he cried. "Have fun dying! Thanks for the dough! Thanks to you, I had enough money to pay all my bit-"

"What?"

"Uh...my servants!" he said. "Have fun being to blown to bits!" And so, the sadistic, maniacal person cackling, disappeared, leaving Magnius to wallow in his self-pity until he was blown to bits.

End of Magnius.

**And there you have it! Chapter 8! BTW, I will try to get at least one chapter in before June, since that's when the school takes back this Mac. There was a bond...it passed...middle school got Macs...but now they're taking them back and giving us IPADS next year. I know, right?! IPADS...**

**(1): The Matrix. Pretty much all 3 of them. 'Agent Smith' was this inhuman 'supervisor' sort of thing...you have to watch it to understand.**

**"Mister Anderson' was Neo's 'real name,' in the Matrix. He was the main hero. "Mister Anderson' was Smith's name for him.**

**Also, Morpheus was the guy who trained Neo in how to use the Matrix to his advantage.**

**Again, you gotta watch the movie to understand. If you're into action/sci-fi sort of stuff, you will like this movie. :)**

**See ya! NEXT TIME...Dorr and Kilia's booties get kicked! XD**


	9. T-1000 andOMGZ, the Water Seal!

**Greetings, humans.**

**As I said in the last chapter's notes, I HAVE published one more chapter. As also said, I don't know if I'll be able to publish another one. Seeing as I have 2 weeks left of school, there isn't much more time with my baby. (That'd be the mac I'm publishing this on.) DX**

**But, who knows? I could publish another chapter, but it's unlikely by about June 7th or so. (June 11 is the last day of school.) And although we do have a PC, and I could type on that, the keys are so different from a Mac's that I feel like I'm typing on a typewriter when I use the PC's. Not fun.**

**And during the summer, I will probably get used to the PC keyboard again. And I might publish! Until then...enjoy! And review!**

**Disclaimer: One does not simply own Tales of Symphonia.**

**Chapter 9**

**Little Miss T-1000 and...The Water Seal, OMGZ!**

After Magnius was slaughtered maliciously and his hair color matched his blood, (a disturbing observation made by Lloyd) the fabulous five made their way back to Palmacosta to beat Dorr to a pulp. Neil decided to go with them, for no apparent reason.

They entered his...um..._dwelling_ and looked around.

"There's nobody here!" cried Lloyd.

"Shh...I hear something from the basement!" said Colette. She grinned stupidly.

"I don't hear anything! It must be the schizophrenia again..."

Raine gaped. "He knows the word 'schizophrenia'... It's a miracle!"

Genis rolled his eyes. They continued with the main plot.

"Well let's go down there!" Colette cried, not listening to Lloyd's ramblings at all. "Just us two! Alone!" she said, and grinned sneakily. Lloyd cringed.

Kratos rolled his eyes and shook his head. "Kids today..."

And they all went downstairs, where they encountered a random cutscene.

Dorr was talking to a desian, and they were in front of Kilia, the bratty kid.

"You still haven't given us enough dough!" said the desian guard.

"I'm doing the best I can!" Dorr cried. "But with this BRAT always demanding anything and everything that she can't have, I can't keep up!" He said, indicating Kilia.

She grinned sneakily. "Tee hee..."

The guard rolled his eyes. "Whatever; that's not a good excuse. What you need is to stop buying stuff for your kid." He glanced at Kilia, who literally _growled _at him. The guard glared at her before walking away, even though there is only one entrance. He can probably walk through walls. Like the T-1000. Only not as deadly. Or robotic. Or-

Now that the desian was gone, Lloyd and the others stepped forward and Dorr turned his attention to them. "You!" he gasped. "How did you get in here?!"

Lloyd blinked. "We came in the entrance, duh!" Kratos face palmed, along with Genis and Kilia.

"Shut up!" Dorr cried. "I'm just a useless side character, so I'll cut to the chase! Take a look at my wife!"

They blinked as Dorr ran over to a curtain and pulled it down, revealing...a club. Full of women and bars. Music was playing. There were strippers. Poles. Strippers who were dancing on poles. Men who were drinking booze while gaping at the strippers who were dancing on said poles. Strippers who were dancing on said poles while smacking the men who were drinking booze while gaping at the strippers who were dancing on said poles. And so on.

Everyone gaped in shock, while Dorr was standing in a dramatic stance, displaying his 'wife', and everyone burst into conversation suddenly, like at Hakonesia Peak.

"AUGH! The images! MAKE THEM STOP!"

"You call yourself a leader?!"

"You have a lot of wives..."

"Dur...OMGZ! It's Hooters!"

"There's money...on the floor...ooh, look! Pennies! Wait, what's a penny...?"

Dorr jumped upon seeing the scene and quickly covered the bars with the curtain again. "Oops!" he cried. "N-nothing to see here!" He laughed nervously.

He coughed awkwardly and slid over to the other curtain, hanging over a different cell and cleared his throat. "Right...THIS is my wife!"

He pulled aside another curtain, revealing a giant monster thing that looked a heck of a lot like Marble when she got all 'monster-fied.'

"!" said Kratos, smartly.

Genis paled. Colette blinked, not getting why this was important. Or not important...I don't know. Lloyd gaped. "Genis, it looks like your girlfriend..."

Genis rolled his eyes, but didn't say anything, since it would probably be useless.

Raine's eyes widened. "Such a healthy specimen of green slime..." her eyes suddenly gleamed. "I simply MUST dissect it!" She pulled out her scalpel and chainsaw.

Raine was ignored, just so we don't have any more pointless dialogue.

"Wh-what is that monster?!" cried Genis, in agony.

"She's crying," said Colette, suddenly all somber, "She's crying in pain. You mustn't call her a monster!"

"But she is a monster!" Lloyd argued. "Duh!"

Colette sniffed. "You're an idiot...but I love you anyway!"

She was ignored. "It's true!" she cried.

Lloyd rolled his eyes. "Whatever. Well, back to the storyline!" He cleared his throat. "Don't even start spewing the word 'justice!'" he yelled at Dorr.

Dorr blinked. "But I didn't say anything..."

Lloyd ignored him. "I hate that word!"

"What word?"

Colette gasped. "That's such a strong word! You shouldn't hate; love is in all our hearts!" she cried, and did a spin. That plus getting way off topic.

Raine nodded. "I agree with Colette. Which is extremely surprising." Suddenly she glared at Lloyd. "Hate does no good to red clad idiots," she said darkly. "You will go to...BIBLE CAMP! AND STUDY ALL DAY OF HOW TO NOT BE HATEFUL!" sugar plum fairy

Lloyd cringed. "NO! Not bible camp! THE OFF TOPIC-NESS!"

"Just get back to the main plot!" Kratos grumbled. Couldn't have said it better myself.

Lloyd regained his composure, forgetting about Bible Camp, and took a deep breath. "Anyway-"

He was cut off as Dorr collapsed to the ground, Kilia standing behind him, grinning evilly.

Colette gasped. "How could you do that to your own father? Not that I don't have daddy issues...but still!"

Kilia cackled madly. "My father? HAHAHAHA! There's no way that a superior half-elf such as I, could have a fool of a father like this! Not to mention he never got me ANYTHING I wanted! Also, his daughter is dead! MEH!"

"Meh?"

"Meh!"

A battle commenced, one which was exceptionally hard. I died probably 20 times in the game myself, but they will win right now so we can move the plot along.

"AAUGH!" Kilia cried. "Fine...I'll just set this monster free, then!"

Everyone blinked, confused, as Kilia crawled, (literally _crawled_,) over to the cage where Clara was being held. And despite her speed of 1 MPH, no one even thought to move and finish her off. Except Raine and Kratos. But Raine saw this as an educational experience for the kids, and Kratos didn't really care.

And so, 20 minutes later, Kilia set Clara free, and then crawled away in the same direction of the desian guard earlier. She can probably walk through walls, too.

Clara faced the group upon exiting her cage, and Colette somehow grew half a brain and floated up to her. "Clara, stop!" she cried. But she was promptly bitch-smacked by a monster with more brains than her. Good job, Clara!

Clara, the monster, left the same way as the others. Geez, how many people have super powers! OK, I should stop with the 'walk through wall' thing...

The group kneeled down by the near-dead Dorr. "Is...is Kilia safe?" he rasped.

"Psh! Hell no! You're such a moron..." said Lloyd, as the others rolled their eyes.

"I...I see," said Dorr. "I'm a horrible parent..." Everyone nodded.

Kratos bit his lip. A bead of sweat trickled down his forehead...

KRATOS OBTAINED THE TITLE, 'SUSPICIOUS CHARACTER!"

"Here..." said Dorr, and handed Lloyd a slip of paper. "It's a pass...use it to get across the path. And since I'm useless, you can have it...I'm sorry, Clara...for being...so...incompetent...and...use..less..." and he died.

"NOOOOOOO!" cried Colette, as she wept over his body. The others stood, contemplating where they should go next. And since we need to release seals, they went to the Thoda Geyser. BECAUSE I WANT THEM TO!

Once they got to the Thoda Dock, they paid a wallet-robbing 200 gald or something to ride to the geyser. They went outside, to the dock, and discovered...washtubs. Raine immediately paled. So did Genis, who glanced at Raine nervously.

"Um...they're washtubs," said Lloyd, pointing out the obvious.

"Thank you, captain obvious," muttered Genis.

"Like you're one to talk!"

GENIS GOT THE TITLE 'TAKES ONE TO KNOW ONE!'

Genis started pushing Raine towards the washtubs, but before he even got near her she let out a shattering scream that broke some of the windows in the dock house thing. The others gaped in shock. That included Kratos, and that is saying something.

"You're afraid of water, aren't you?" said Lloyd. Raine shot a death glare at him.

"N-no! I was just saying...AH, this should be fun! Hehe!"

Everyone gaped in shock at her again. "She said 'hehe'..." gasped Lloyd.

Kratos stomped his foot. "NO! I will not accompany _another _moron who say 'hehe!' all the time! Shut up!"

Everyone shut up and then Kratos decided to decide who would go with who, seeing as there was four washtubs and five people.

Colette immediately grabbed Lloyd's arm, putting it in a death grip. "Mine..." she hissed.

Genis looked at Lloyd. "Who will you go with? Since everything somehow revolves around your decisions..."

Lloyd pried himself from Colette's arms and cleared his throat. "I'll go with..."

Colette jumped up and down, waving her arms wildly. "Ooh! Pick me! Pick me!"

Genis rolled his eyes. "Whatever..."

Kratos remained indifferent. "Please don't make a dumb choice...Colette, for instance..."

Raine gave him a smile, her eyes wide. Her aura had turned to that of homework and death, and Killer Bunnies.(2) It was as if she was sending him a telepathic message, saying, "You'd better pick me, or I'll give you more homework..." in a sing-song voice.

Lloyd got the message and panicked. "Raine! Raine! I'll go with Raine!"

Genis and Kratos sighed in relief, and Raine nodded, like this was undoubtedly the only decision. "Good choice, Lloyd," she muttered, her aura turning to that of butterflies and fluffy rainbows again. Wait...fluffy rainbows? What the-

Lloyd gulped, and they boarded the washtubs, Raine riding with Lloyd, Genis with Colette, and Kratos by himself. Figures.

Finally, after much floating and puke, they made it to the geyser area. They headed up to a platform thing near a podium...I think.

"Ooh, lookie!" cried Lloyd, jumping up and down like an anime schoolgirl. "It's a pretty whatcamacalit stone!"

"An oracle stone!" Raine snapped. "How could you not know the name of this historic, magnificent, totally priceless piece of art and history?"

Lloyd bit his lip. "Umm...cause it's junk?"

Raine just about went over the edge and grabbed Lloyd's collar, shaking him violently. Her eyes were gleaming brighter than the sun. "JUNK, WELL LET ME TELL YOU-" and she went off into a forever rant.

RAINE OBTAINED THE TITLE '5-HOUR ENERGY! LASTS FOR 238,752,735,023 HOURS!"

After she finished her rant, Colette placed her hand on the oracle stone and lo and behold, a blue path appeared. They had to walk across water. Raine paled. Colette clung to Lloyd as they trekked across the blue path.

Now, Colette can swim, you see. She can endure water. She is not afraid of heights. She is smarter than I give her credit for. Probably. Maybe. Let's hope not...

By pretending to be afraid of heights and water and tall water (?) she got an excuse to cling to Lloyd.

Once they got across, they went inside and discovered many items and another Sorcerer's Ring thingy.

"YAY!" said Colette, skipping over to the SR thing. She hugged it. "I love you, SR thingy!"

Raine rolled her eyes. "And this is what you get when you give a kid coloring activities at age 12..."

She pried Colette off the SR thing used the ring on the thingy. A giant box popped up in front of everyone's faces. It said:

THE FUNCTION OF THE SORCERER'S RING JUST CHANGED. HAVE FUN SHOOTING WATER AT STUFF. YAYYY...

And it disappeared. The others stared at the spot where the box once was for a while, until Lloyd just shrugged, and they moved on.

They encountered many shark thingys, giant octopuses (yes octopuses) on wheels. Like they were lazy to walk, or something.

They finally cleared the way to the warp pad and now stood by it, staring at it like this was some dramatic thing.

"Well..." said Lloyd, all dramatically dark, "here goes."

"Yes," said Genis, equally as dark and dramatic, "this is it."

"Dur?"

They only nodded and stepped into the warp pad, dissolving into a million little parts and being transported to a giant room, similar to the one at the Triet Ruins. "Wowie!" said Colette. "Shiny water..."

Everyone sighed and moved closer to the altar, where black stuff surrounded the altar thing. "Ah-it's just like the seal of fire!" cried Genis. Yeah, except that we're in a geyser, surrounded by water, and Colette lost her appetite-Um, I didn't just foreshadow...!

Then, some giant monsters jumped out. Well, more like merpeople from Harry Potter 4. Only not so mermaid-ish.

They fought with grace, speed, and-um-_flexibility._ Probably should've worded that differently...

And soon, they kicked ass and won the battle. The merpeople that got copyed from Harry Potter (or did Harry Potter copy ToS?) faded away, and none other than our favorite (?) announcer Remiel came floating down. He turned on his mic and cleared his throat.

"CHOSEN, COME ON DOWWWWNNNN! AGAINNN!" he cried. "CONGRATS ON MAKING IT THIS FAR! FOR YOUR EFFORTS, WE, THE ANGELS, GIVE YOU THE POWER TO...UM..."

"Yes, father? What do I get! TELL ME, NOW!"

Remiel cringed. "O-OF COURSE! YOU GET...A BRAND NEW WING COLOR OF YOUR CHOICE!"

Colette jumped up and down for joy. "Pink! Gimme the pink ones!"

He blinked. "Whatever..." And she was granted pink wings. Even though she already had pink wings. She is a retard, you see, with her blonde hair that's stereotyped by society and a compulsive need to get Lloyd in bed. Those things definitely would make her slow.

She grinned, drooling as swirly lights descended into her. Her wings popped out, and she floated upwards.

"Yay!" she cried, "My wings are pink!"

Everyone, including Remiel, sighed at her idiocy.

"ANYWAY," continued Remiel, "GO NORTH, TO THE SEAL OF WIND! OFFER YOUR PRAYERS AT THAT ALTAR, AND MAKE ME-YOUR, UH, 'DADDY', PROUD!"

Colette nodded. "Yup yup!"

Remiel sighed. "UNTIL THEN..." and he apparated...well,_ teleported_ away. Colette floated back down to the ground and her wings went away. Probably to the place all those missing socks go...

"Yay!" she said. "Let's go!" And the band of idiots and Kratos marched out of the geyser thing, and made it outside. Once they got across the bridge thing, Colette collapsed.

"Colette!" Lloyd cried, as if that would do anything.

"I'm fine..." she said, weakly, and stood up, but fell down again. While this scene may look like Colette is being clumsy, it turns out she is trying to get Lloyd to carry her. Turns out Colette has at least half a brain...surprisingly...

"We should stay the night," said Raine. "Let's set up camp."

"I concur," said Kratos, grumpily.

Lloyd grinned. "Yes! Where's the nearest hotel?"

"Shut up."

**Finally, there it is; Chapter 9. Again, I will OF COURSE try and publish more over the summer. I'm desperately trying not to be one of those people who publish only about every 1000 years. ;D**

**(T-1000) That is from Terminator 2: Judgment Day. GO ARNOLD...**

**Obviously, Harry Potter. If you don't know what that is, have never seen the movies or read the books, then you must be a weirdo with no life who lives in his mom's basement. (No offense to those guys...)**

**Until next time...Review! :D**


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